Happy-Sad

"There once was a very lonely, very frightened girl.  She lived alone except for a nameless cat."

Slumps

Not the true me; the true me is so blessed.

Blessed with a family I am proud to call me own.  Blessed with air-conditioning.  Blessed with good times with friends.  Blessed with a trip to my dream college.  Blessed with a laptop.  Blessed with an ipod.  Blessed with knowing a God who is all goodness.

And yet, I still feel, sometimes, like I am hostile to that God of goodness.  I don't know why.  I thought I was getting over that.  I thought I was learning and growing away from that old me.  But whenever I hear of suffering, that God of goodness seems to stretch me and I grow afraid.  I know my emotions just lie to me.  But not matter how hard you try to tell them about God's omnipotence and omniscience,  emotions don't listen to logic.  I can make decisions independent of my emotions, but I can't just turn on my happiness or feel-good side.  I can still feel bad, but I don't have to live like I feel bad.

So, to help you guys understand the chaos, here are few quotes/lyrics:

"You'll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump and chances are that you'll be in a Slump.  And when you're in a Slump, you're not in for much fun.  UnSlumping yourself is not easily done." ~Dr, Suess, Oh, The Places You'll Go

"My eyes are dry
My faith is old
My heart is hard
My prayers are cold
And I know how I ought to be
Alive to You and dead to me
But what can be done
For an old heart like mine?
Soften it up
With oil and wine.
The oil is You, Your Spirit of love
Please wash me anew
With the wine of Your Blood" ~Keith Green, My Eyes Are Dry

“The life where nothing was ever unexpected. Or inconvenient. Or unusual. The life without colour, pain or past.” ~Lois Lowry, The Giver

“The story is not a pretty one. There is violence in it. And cruelty. But stories that are not pretty have a certain value, too, I suppose. Everything, as you well know (having lived in this world long enough to have figured out a thing or two for yourself), cannot always be sweetness and light.” ~Kate DiCamillo, The Tale of Despereaux

Me Today

"The cut is deep, but never deep enough for me
It doesn't hurt enough to make me forget
One moment of relief is never long enough
To keep the voices in my head
From stealing my peace

Oh, control
It's time, time to let you go

Perfection has a price
But I cannot afford to live that life
It always ends the same; a fight I never win

Oh, control
It's time, time to let you go

I'm letting go of the illusion
I'm letting go of the confusion
I can't carry it another step
I close my eyes and take a breath
I'm letting go, letting go

There were scars before my scars
Love written on the hands that hung the stars
Hope living in the blood that was spilled for me

Oh, control
It's time, time to let you go... 
Control
It's time, time to let you go"