Do you ever feel like you're a pathetic excuse for a Christian? 'Cause I do. And I'm probably right, at least today.
No hold on, you'll say. Romans 8. Well yes, that is true. There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. The thing is, today I am really dealing with a whole lot of ME-ing. Do you ever get that way? There's so much ME and so little <God> that I feel completely squashed. I am squashed by ME. And I know (I think) that if I just let go and believe wholeheartedly that God's-way-is-better/ He-is-always-with-me/ I-will-get-the-victory/ This-is-worth-persevering-for, then I'll be able to grow up. I am just afraid. Afraid and lazy. I start out so resolved and literally three. seconds. later... I lack endurance.
For our 8th Grade graduation, I was awarded the "title" of Perseverance because my math teacher thought it applied to my experience with math. I really didn't like it then because I felt like it sounded as if I was a bad student or something like that, like it was SO hard for me to persevere through math. (streak of Pride, perhaps?) But hey, I got an "A," so it's only a ting of pride, right? But back to the point. In the next following years I have often wondered if she didn't get that wrong. I don't persevere, at least I don't think I do.
So I'm blogging today to ask help from you guys. My three followers (Yep, YOU!) please pray for me. I have been on this roller coaster for a long time now. I really want to get off. I know if I were to completely fall off the grid of Christianity, God would still have me, but I really don't want to do that. Nor do I want to embark on this journey feeling this way. I really just want God to come bursting through the sky and make me feel a certain way or believe a particular thought or SOMETHING. Please pray for:
-clarity of God's will
-discernment to know what's me freaking out about something that's completely fine and what really is a spiritual malfunction
-the balance between knowing how I feel and accepting unbelief
-the endurance and courage to follow through
-GRACE to understand how much I do through the Spirit and how much the Holy Spirit takes over
Like Gungor says, "It's good to think, but it's good to drink from this Living Stream." I want to be able to release myself FROM myself to be able to drink.
No hold on, you'll say. Romans 8. Well yes, that is true. There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. The thing is, today I am really dealing with a whole lot of ME-ing. Do you ever get that way? There's so much ME and so little <God> that I feel completely squashed. I am squashed by ME. And I know (I think) that if I just let go and believe wholeheartedly that God's-way-is-better/ He-is-always-with-me/ I-will-get-the-victory/ This-is-worth-persevering-for, then I'll be able to grow up. I am just afraid. Afraid and lazy. I start out so resolved and literally three. seconds. later... I lack endurance.
For our 8th Grade graduation, I was awarded the "title" of Perseverance because my math teacher thought it applied to my experience with math. I really didn't like it then because I felt like it sounded as if I was a bad student or something like that, like it was SO hard for me to persevere through math. (streak of Pride, perhaps?) But hey, I got an "A," so it's only a ting of pride, right? But back to the point. In the next following years I have often wondered if she didn't get that wrong. I don't persevere, at least I don't think I do.
So I'm blogging today to ask help from you guys. My three followers (Yep, YOU!) please pray for me. I have been on this roller coaster for a long time now. I really want to get off. I know if I were to completely fall off the grid of Christianity, God would still have me, but I really don't want to do that. Nor do I want to embark on this journey feeling this way. I really just want God to come bursting through the sky and make me feel a certain way or believe a particular thought or SOMETHING. Please pray for:
-clarity of God's will
-discernment to know what's me freaking out about something that's completely fine and what really is a spiritual malfunction
-the balance between knowing how I feel and accepting unbelief
-the endurance and courage to follow through
-GRACE to understand how much I do through the Spirit and how much the Holy Spirit takes over
Like Gungor says, "It's good to think, but it's good to drink from this Living Stream." I want to be able to release myself FROM myself to be able to drink.
