Hey.
I hope for your sake that you aren't reading this.
This is me talking. Hi God.
So.
Me: We haven't been on good terms today.
God:
Me: Yup. I thought as much.
God:
Me: Listen, I don't want one the only one talking. I want to be able to hear you- and I know that requires me actually listening.
God: Draw near to me and I will draw near to you
Me: Okay.
God:
Me: Gosh, I've been so angry lately. Why is that, God?
God:
Me: Is it because I'm menstrual? No, it can't be. This has been a season of angryness- not just a week.
God:
Me: I'm glad you understand. Okay, so is it because of meds catching up to me?
God:
Me: Okay, so I know that you aren't in the wind, or in the hurricane, or in the fire. But where are you? Lord, I'm not really angry at you. I mean, I am, but I also realize that I'm angry at myself deep down. I'm angry because I simply don't feel like following you and I know that I should want to . It's like this art class- I know that in order to succeed I HAVE to want to be in the piece. I HAVE to want to put my heart all the way into it. And I WANT to put my heart into it- IT JUST ISN'T INTO IT. So I'm angry at you for my own deficiency.
And then I just desperately want to be happy. I don't want to work hard, I don't want to do the work of Christianity. I want to live a comfortable life on Pinterest, going to school and going to work, not being bothered with praying and spending quality time with you or something. I am so afraid that you are going to ask me to do something that is going to hurt, and to be honest, I've thought I've heard from you in the past and it wasn't. So I naturally play it safe these days.
Lord, Lord, Lord, how I need you!!!!! I can't tell you how much I want to both be pleasing to you, and yet simply be pleased. I want to be in the place where I can do exactly what I want to do, and it is perfectly in your will. Even when it comes to just my eating habits. I resist the idea of eating healthy, yet when I give into the chips and the cake, etc, I don't enjoy them because I feel guilty. The same goes for this Kid.
I can't tell you how much I want to be in love with him, but my Spirit just won't let me go there. Somehow, I feel like it is wrong to NEED someone as much as I feel the need for him. And I know it's not him. It's the idea of him-it's that SOMEBODY void in my heart,
I know I need to trust you here, to believe that like Rivers, you never are trying purposefully to hurt me. You wound me like a surgeon- intentionally, purposefully- knowing that you will fix me. You don't pick up the broken pieces in a desperate attempt to put me back together. Nothing takes you by surprise.
So.
The question is how do I want to spend time with you????????
God: Behold, my servant whom I uphold, my chosen, in whom my soul delights; I have put my Spirit upon you. A bruised reed I will not break, and a faintly burning wick I will not quench. I will not grow faint or be discouraged til I have established justice in the earth. I am the Lord. I have called you in righteousness. I will take you by the hand and keep you. Nevertheless, I am continually with you. I hold your right hand. I guide you with counsel. And afterward, I will receive you into glory. Your heart and your flesh may fail, but I am the strength of your heart and your portion forever.
I hope for your sake that you aren't reading this.
This is me talking. Hi God.
So.
Me: We haven't been on good terms today.
God:
Me: Yup. I thought as much.
God:
Me: Listen, I don't want one the only one talking. I want to be able to hear you- and I know that requires me actually listening.
God: Draw near to me and I will draw near to you
Me: Okay.
God:
Me: Gosh, I've been so angry lately. Why is that, God?
God:
Me: Is it because I'm menstrual? No, it can't be. This has been a season of angryness- not just a week.
God:
Me: I'm glad you understand. Okay, so is it because of meds catching up to me?
God:
Me: Okay, so I know that you aren't in the wind, or in the hurricane, or in the fire. But where are you? Lord, I'm not really angry at you. I mean, I am, but I also realize that I'm angry at myself deep down. I'm angry because I simply don't feel like following you and I know that I should want to . It's like this art class- I know that in order to succeed I HAVE to want to be in the piece. I HAVE to want to put my heart all the way into it. And I WANT to put my heart into it- IT JUST ISN'T INTO IT. So I'm angry at you for my own deficiency.
And then I just desperately want to be happy. I don't want to work hard, I don't want to do the work of Christianity. I want to live a comfortable life on Pinterest, going to school and going to work, not being bothered with praying and spending quality time with you or something. I am so afraid that you are going to ask me to do something that is going to hurt, and to be honest, I've thought I've heard from you in the past and it wasn't. So I naturally play it safe these days.
Lord, Lord, Lord, how I need you!!!!! I can't tell you how much I want to both be pleasing to you, and yet simply be pleased. I want to be in the place where I can do exactly what I want to do, and it is perfectly in your will. Even when it comes to just my eating habits. I resist the idea of eating healthy, yet when I give into the chips and the cake, etc, I don't enjoy them because I feel guilty. The same goes for this Kid.
I can't tell you how much I want to be in love with him, but my Spirit just won't let me go there. Somehow, I feel like it is wrong to NEED someone as much as I feel the need for him. And I know it's not him. It's the idea of him-it's that SOMEBODY void in my heart,
I know I need to trust you here, to believe that like Rivers, you never are trying purposefully to hurt me. You wound me like a surgeon- intentionally, purposefully- knowing that you will fix me. You don't pick up the broken pieces in a desperate attempt to put me back together. Nothing takes you by surprise.
So.
The question is how do I want to spend time with you????????
God: Behold, my servant whom I uphold, my chosen, in whom my soul delights; I have put my Spirit upon you. A bruised reed I will not break, and a faintly burning wick I will not quench. I will not grow faint or be discouraged til I have established justice in the earth. I am the Lord. I have called you in righteousness. I will take you by the hand and keep you. Nevertheless, I am continually with you. I hold your right hand. I guide you with counsel. And afterward, I will receive you into glory. Your heart and your flesh may fail, but I am the strength of your heart and your portion forever.
