I struggle with regret. Intense regret. I ache and feel sick to my stomach, I don't want to eat, I'm afraid that if I don't go and fix myself RIGHT NOW I'm going to be sentenced to eternity in Hell. I'm not joking. I really feel that way. It's awful. I beat myself up because I want to forget how I feel and move on...but I find that moving on doesn't help at all. I feel like moving on only makes it worse, and in some ways it does. It eats away at the back of my mind until I go into my room, the bathroom, wherever I can get away and talk to God. I mean, I literally go and say "I know I'm a mess but I don't feel guilty so please forgive me for not feeling guilty and change that". In reality, this is just a season in my life and I encounter other struggles, but this has been one that's really been bothering me lately. But, He isn't finished with me yet. It's easier sometimes for me to move on. So, that shows that it's getting better. Like my Drama teacher says, "Now is not forever". Now is not forever. "I don't have to carry the weight of who i've been cause I'm forgiven". "He's still working on me". "...neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
"Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, Prone to leave the God I love. Here's my heart Lord, take and seal it. Seal it for thy courts above."
I know that place. It will pass love, it will pass <3
ReplyDeleteRemember, His grace cannot be taken from you! And the fact that you struggle partly proves your relationship with Him. Remember, Israel means "one who struggles with God."
thank you :)
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