I just got back a family reunion in Minnesota. It's one of the best things on this planet.
Just think: this reunion has gone on for four generations now (40+ years) and we still want to attend! My cousin, Maggie, says she lives for this week of the year, that's how amazing it is. It began with my grandmother and her eight other siblings at the tiny farmhouse. Now, the original nine had children and then they had children and their children are having children. We stay at three resorts in Perham, Minnesota and kill time tubing on the lake, walking to and fro, crossing the dam, playing Mafia in the Big Cabin, and raiding eachother's cabins to find any food other than pixisticks. The families take turns filling the coolers that hang around the resorts with this sulfur-scented orange drink mix that really tastes terrible, but it's so nostalgic that we all drink it anyway. The whole place feels like another home.
I can't remember when I started going to the Lakes, but I do remember the good old days when I spent my hours pretending to be cats with my cousins Sahara, Haley, Millie, and KayKay. We had this one tree where we claimed rooms and pretended to feed our imaginary kittens the leaves. We've outgrown the tree literally and figuratively now. My cousins, Stacy and Mimi have joined our group now, so altogether we form a pretty big posse when it's just us girls. We lived pretty divided from the boys' group, but this year we merged (a triumph, I dare say!). I hung out a good deal with my cousin, Lucas, who is pretty quiet but hilarious and easy going. I played Akinator with the Canadians and geeked out about kittens with Sahara. We would all go out on the pontoon and jump into the lake. The boys all did crazy stunts and looked hilarious as our cameras snapped pictures the whole time.
This year, many of my cousins were recently married and having babies. My cousin, George, just married a charming pint-size wife of 20 named Anna. She's young enough to still enjoy our company and yet she's old enough to be a sort of mentor. Us girls decided to have a makeover party and everyone was doing someone's makeup when I worked up the courage to ask Anna what she thought of this guy that I am currently interested in. I described him:
"He says a bunch of really good things about his convictions, but I sometimes think he puts up with more from his friends than he should. He doesn't make inappropriate jokes, but his friends do and sometimes he'll laugh. He doesn't want to date anyone until he feels like she could be the One, but he lets the girls give him much more attention than I would put up with if I were a guy," I explained.
"Well, first off, I congratulate him," Anna began, "It's super hard for guys to go through something like that. I know because my brothers sound just like the guy you're talking about. The second thing I'd say is that I'd encourage him to get a mentor, someone to keep him accountable and to spur him on in the Lord."
This encouraged the others to consult Anna with their guy problems and we ended up having a really good conversation about it. That as our first Cousin Talk of the year. Then, I talked with my cousin, Evan, who was surprised by a visit from his girlfriend, May, whom we all knew was coming but played along to keep him aloof. She stayed for two days and once she left, I overheard him talking to his parents about some disagreements he had with her. I nonchalantly walked over and sat down. When he had finished speaking, I brought up that I had been interested in a guy for four years now and I wanted to know what he thought of it.
"Oh, well, let's go for a walk," Evan said. Once I had described him again and explained some of my struggles with the whole thing, Evan began,
"Well, first off, I like this guy already. It sounds like he has integrity. You said you are in different social circles? Well, me and May were, too. I liked her for a really long time until I though to myself, 'I got to do something with these feelings.' I started to text her and eventually we started talking more."
Evan explained how he and May had circled around a relationship, going back and forth for a really long time until they finally decided that they really did want to go further.
"I'd recommend trying to talk to him. Learn a little about him, talk about everyday stuff. Small talk. You don't want to lead the relationship, but if he's a good guy he'll pick up that you like him. Guys notice that sort of thing. If you sense that he likes you, but he's afraid to mention it, then you can bring up how you feel. Just be patient. God's got your story."
The last talk we had was with my girls and Anna. I broke down crying because of some struggles I've been dealing with lately with guilt and my mental disorder, OCD. The girls were all shocked to see me, who they think of as the most spiritual of our group minus Anna, break down in tears all of a sudden. I described how I felt to Anna, who immediately told me that praying is never wrong and I should read my Bible. This conversation was the hardest for me because I don't know what parts of the way I feel are OCD related and which are just wisdom. I haven't read my Bible consistently since the days when I thought I was going to Hell and if I didn't read it and repent and change my ways I would be condemned forever. I would pray and repent all the time and I walked around with a guilt for the intrusive obsessive thoughts that I couldn't help, but I felt I had to fight all the same. My relationship with God was strained at best. My parents told me that my reading the Bible was not reaping any benefit because my mind twisted all the words into Legalism. So, in the Lakes, I broke down because I'm so weary of a relationship with God where I know what I ought to feel, but I don't feel it- what I ought to know, but don't. I know I ought to believe that God is love and has forgiven me and that His discipline is sweet and not oppressive, but every day I still walk in condemntion and fear and guilt. I'm angry because I get so confused and I wonder why God doesn't make things simpler because surely I'd be a better Christian if He did.
The conversation with Anna didn't help much, although her prayers did. I didn't feel better, but I always appreciate when people pray for me because I know God listens to our prayers. I had a pretty bad dream last night and a few nights back. These vivid dreams frighten me because they are about relationships that go further than they should, but people tell me it's okay. They violate God's law, but the people in my dreams swear it's okay and I awake feeling all jittery because I wonder if I am desiring these things and the people are really just giving a voice to my own heart's thoughts. I wonder if I should even think about getting into a relationship because I am so unstable and possibly would go too far. But I feel like maybe I would understand Him more if I did. Am I making an idol of marriage and relationships and this particular boy? To add to all of this, I wonder if I should be reading my Bible more. I certainly don't feel very affectionate towards God, but when I imagine Him fully- when I dwell on His miracles and Heaven- I do. I know I'm secured in Him, and yet I fear that maybe I'll be one of those who spring up but are squelched by the weeds. Praying is difficult because I run out of words so quickly and I don't know how to pray for myself. I just feel like I do not want to even try to better my relationship with Him because it feels so impossible because of all ^ this. So, if you've managed to get this far into this blog, I need prayers and yours would be coveted.
Whoa, whoa, whoa- waaaaay off track. Back to the fun stuff.
At the end of the week, we had to say goodbye. It's so hard to realize that the people before you are going to change and you won't be there to see it until it's already happened. Fortunately, some of my cousins will visit us before the next reunion. Anyhow, as we were on the road, I realized that I had to check the map.
"We're only a few miles from Owatonna!" I exclaimed. "There my future husband waits for me!"
Lol Adam Young does indeed live in Owatonna, Minnesota, but he certainly does not await my presence. Throughout the week I joked about how I should stop into Owatonna's grocery store and wait to see if Adam Young comes by. The cousins laughed, some were concerned, and I just laughed.
Thus ends my amazing trip to Minnesota, Owl Hunting and Cousin Talks and all. Hope ya'll endured the lengthiness and that if ya'll ever get married, that you have a family as awesome as mine. Dasvidaniya!
Just think: this reunion has gone on for four generations now (40+ years) and we still want to attend! My cousin, Maggie, says she lives for this week of the year, that's how amazing it is. It began with my grandmother and her eight other siblings at the tiny farmhouse. Now, the original nine had children and then they had children and their children are having children. We stay at three resorts in Perham, Minnesota and kill time tubing on the lake, walking to and fro, crossing the dam, playing Mafia in the Big Cabin, and raiding eachother's cabins to find any food other than pixisticks. The families take turns filling the coolers that hang around the resorts with this sulfur-scented orange drink mix that really tastes terrible, but it's so nostalgic that we all drink it anyway. The whole place feels like another home.
I can't remember when I started going to the Lakes, but I do remember the good old days when I spent my hours pretending to be cats with my cousins Sahara, Haley, Millie, and KayKay. We had this one tree where we claimed rooms and pretended to feed our imaginary kittens the leaves. We've outgrown the tree literally and figuratively now. My cousins, Stacy and Mimi have joined our group now, so altogether we form a pretty big posse when it's just us girls. We lived pretty divided from the boys' group, but this year we merged (a triumph, I dare say!). I hung out a good deal with my cousin, Lucas, who is pretty quiet but hilarious and easy going. I played Akinator with the Canadians and geeked out about kittens with Sahara. We would all go out on the pontoon and jump into the lake. The boys all did crazy stunts and looked hilarious as our cameras snapped pictures the whole time.
This year, many of my cousins were recently married and having babies. My cousin, George, just married a charming pint-size wife of 20 named Anna. She's young enough to still enjoy our company and yet she's old enough to be a sort of mentor. Us girls decided to have a makeover party and everyone was doing someone's makeup when I worked up the courage to ask Anna what she thought of this guy that I am currently interested in. I described him:
"He says a bunch of really good things about his convictions, but I sometimes think he puts up with more from his friends than he should. He doesn't make inappropriate jokes, but his friends do and sometimes he'll laugh. He doesn't want to date anyone until he feels like she could be the One, but he lets the girls give him much more attention than I would put up with if I were a guy," I explained.
"Well, first off, I congratulate him," Anna began, "It's super hard for guys to go through something like that. I know because my brothers sound just like the guy you're talking about. The second thing I'd say is that I'd encourage him to get a mentor, someone to keep him accountable and to spur him on in the Lord."
This encouraged the others to consult Anna with their guy problems and we ended up having a really good conversation about it. That as our first Cousin Talk of the year. Then, I talked with my cousin, Evan, who was surprised by a visit from his girlfriend, May, whom we all knew was coming but played along to keep him aloof. She stayed for two days and once she left, I overheard him talking to his parents about some disagreements he had with her. I nonchalantly walked over and sat down. When he had finished speaking, I brought up that I had been interested in a guy for four years now and I wanted to know what he thought of it.
"Oh, well, let's go for a walk," Evan said. Once I had described him again and explained some of my struggles with the whole thing, Evan began,
"Well, first off, I like this guy already. It sounds like he has integrity. You said you are in different social circles? Well, me and May were, too. I liked her for a really long time until I though to myself, 'I got to do something with these feelings.' I started to text her and eventually we started talking more."
Evan explained how he and May had circled around a relationship, going back and forth for a really long time until they finally decided that they really did want to go further.
"I'd recommend trying to talk to him. Learn a little about him, talk about everyday stuff. Small talk. You don't want to lead the relationship, but if he's a good guy he'll pick up that you like him. Guys notice that sort of thing. If you sense that he likes you, but he's afraid to mention it, then you can bring up how you feel. Just be patient. God's got your story."
The last talk we had was with my girls and Anna. I broke down crying because of some struggles I've been dealing with lately with guilt and my mental disorder, OCD. The girls were all shocked to see me, who they think of as the most spiritual of our group minus Anna, break down in tears all of a sudden. I described how I felt to Anna, who immediately told me that praying is never wrong and I should read my Bible. This conversation was the hardest for me because I don't know what parts of the way I feel are OCD related and which are just wisdom. I haven't read my Bible consistently since the days when I thought I was going to Hell and if I didn't read it and repent and change my ways I would be condemned forever. I would pray and repent all the time and I walked around with a guilt for the intrusive obsessive thoughts that I couldn't help, but I felt I had to fight all the same. My relationship with God was strained at best. My parents told me that my reading the Bible was not reaping any benefit because my mind twisted all the words into Legalism. So, in the Lakes, I broke down because I'm so weary of a relationship with God where I know what I ought to feel, but I don't feel it- what I ought to know, but don't. I know I ought to believe that God is love and has forgiven me and that His discipline is sweet and not oppressive, but every day I still walk in condemntion and fear and guilt. I'm angry because I get so confused and I wonder why God doesn't make things simpler because surely I'd be a better Christian if He did.
The conversation with Anna didn't help much, although her prayers did. I didn't feel better, but I always appreciate when people pray for me because I know God listens to our prayers. I had a pretty bad dream last night and a few nights back. These vivid dreams frighten me because they are about relationships that go further than they should, but people tell me it's okay. They violate God's law, but the people in my dreams swear it's okay and I awake feeling all jittery because I wonder if I am desiring these things and the people are really just giving a voice to my own heart's thoughts. I wonder if I should even think about getting into a relationship because I am so unstable and possibly would go too far. But I feel like maybe I would understand Him more if I did. Am I making an idol of marriage and relationships and this particular boy? To add to all of this, I wonder if I should be reading my Bible more. I certainly don't feel very affectionate towards God, but when I imagine Him fully- when I dwell on His miracles and Heaven- I do. I know I'm secured in Him, and yet I fear that maybe I'll be one of those who spring up but are squelched by the weeds. Praying is difficult because I run out of words so quickly and I don't know how to pray for myself. I just feel like I do not want to even try to better my relationship with Him because it feels so impossible because of all ^ this. So, if you've managed to get this far into this blog, I need prayers and yours would be coveted.
Whoa, whoa, whoa- waaaaay off track. Back to the fun stuff.
At the end of the week, we had to say goodbye. It's so hard to realize that the people before you are going to change and you won't be there to see it until it's already happened. Fortunately, some of my cousins will visit us before the next reunion. Anyhow, as we were on the road, I realized that I had to check the map.
"We're only a few miles from Owatonna!" I exclaimed. "There my future husband waits for me!"
Lol Adam Young does indeed live in Owatonna, Minnesota, but he certainly does not await my presence. Throughout the week I joked about how I should stop into Owatonna's grocery store and wait to see if Adam Young comes by. The cousins laughed, some were concerned, and I just laughed.
Thus ends my amazing trip to Minnesota, Owl Hunting and Cousin Talks and all. Hope ya'll endured the lengthiness and that if ya'll ever get married, that you have a family as awesome as mine. Dasvidaniya!
No comments:
Post a Comment