selfish empathy.

I don't do well with other people suffering. I can't handle it. It hurts.

I realized today that I am a very selfish empathizer. I will feel your pain, but then I buckle. I remove myself from the situation so I do not have to feel your pain anymore. I wish you would recover, because I selfishly can't stand how bad it hurts knowing how bad it hurts you.

I am trying to write a novel about pain. Well, pain is a large factor in the story at least. But, I don't know if I can really be in the moment enough. I used to think I was good at emotion regulation. I really am just good at forgetting pain, drowning it in fuzzy things.

I am praying that the Lord with help me tolerate feeling pain. I want to feel it, because only then will I know how to fix it. Only then will my convictions stand up to the test. I want to feel others' pain deeply. I want to help heal.