Forgive my grief for one removed,
Thy creature, whom I found so fair.
I trust he lives in thee, and there
I find him worthier to be loved.
Thy creature, whom I found so fair.
I trust he lives in thee, and there
I find him worthier to be loved.
August 1, 2015
June 14, 2015
Gut-Wrenching Vomit
Hey.
I hope for your sake that you aren't reading this.
This is me talking. Hi God.
So.
Me: We haven't been on good terms today.
God:
Me: Yup. I thought as much.
God:
Me: Listen, I don't want one the only one talking. I want to be able to hear you- and I know that requires me actually listening.
God: Draw near to me and I will draw near to you
Me: Okay.
God:
Me: Gosh, I've been so angry lately. Why is that, God?
God:
Me: Is it because I'm menstrual? No, it can't be. This has been a season of angryness- not just a week.
God:
Me: I'm glad you understand. Okay, so is it because of meds catching up to me?
God:
Me: Okay, so I know that you aren't in the wind, or in the hurricane, or in the fire. But where are you? Lord, I'm not really angry at you. I mean, I am, but I also realize that I'm angry at myself deep down. I'm angry because I simply don't feel like following you and I know that I should want to . It's like this art class- I know that in order to succeed I HAVE to want to be in the piece. I HAVE to want to put my heart all the way into it. And I WANT to put my heart into it- IT JUST ISN'T INTO IT. So I'm angry at you for my own deficiency.
And then I just desperately want to be happy. I don't want to work hard, I don't want to do the work of Christianity. I want to live a comfortable life on Pinterest, going to school and going to work, not being bothered with praying and spending quality time with you or something. I am so afraid that you are going to ask me to do something that is going to hurt, and to be honest, I've thought I've heard from you in the past and it wasn't. So I naturally play it safe these days.
Lord, Lord, Lord, how I need you!!!!! I can't tell you how much I want to both be pleasing to you, and yet simply be pleased. I want to be in the place where I can do exactly what I want to do, and it is perfectly in your will. Even when it comes to just my eating habits. I resist the idea of eating healthy, yet when I give into the chips and the cake, etc, I don't enjoy them because I feel guilty. The same goes for this Kid.
I can't tell you how much I want to be in love with him, but my Spirit just won't let me go there. Somehow, I feel like it is wrong to NEED someone as much as I feel the need for him. And I know it's not him. It's the idea of him-it's that SOMEBODY void in my heart,
I know I need to trust you here, to believe that like Rivers, you never are trying purposefully to hurt me. You wound me like a surgeon- intentionally, purposefully- knowing that you will fix me. You don't pick up the broken pieces in a desperate attempt to put me back together. Nothing takes you by surprise.
So.
The question is how do I want to spend time with you????????
God: Behold, my servant whom I uphold, my chosen, in whom my soul delights; I have put my Spirit upon you. A bruised reed I will not break, and a faintly burning wick I will not quench. I will not grow faint or be discouraged til I have established justice in the earth. I am the Lord. I have called you in righteousness. I will take you by the hand and keep you. Nevertheless, I am continually with you. I hold your right hand. I guide you with counsel. And afterward, I will receive you into glory. Your heart and your flesh may fail, but I am the strength of your heart and your portion forever.
I hope for your sake that you aren't reading this.
This is me talking. Hi God.
So.
Me: We haven't been on good terms today.
God:
Me: Yup. I thought as much.
God:
Me: Listen, I don't want one the only one talking. I want to be able to hear you- and I know that requires me actually listening.
God: Draw near to me and I will draw near to you
Me: Okay.
God:
Me: Gosh, I've been so angry lately. Why is that, God?
God:
Me: Is it because I'm menstrual? No, it can't be. This has been a season of angryness- not just a week.
God:
Me: I'm glad you understand. Okay, so is it because of meds catching up to me?
God:
Me: Okay, so I know that you aren't in the wind, or in the hurricane, or in the fire. But where are you? Lord, I'm not really angry at you. I mean, I am, but I also realize that I'm angry at myself deep down. I'm angry because I simply don't feel like following you and I know that I should want to . It's like this art class- I know that in order to succeed I HAVE to want to be in the piece. I HAVE to want to put my heart all the way into it. And I WANT to put my heart into it- IT JUST ISN'T INTO IT. So I'm angry at you for my own deficiency.
And then I just desperately want to be happy. I don't want to work hard, I don't want to do the work of Christianity. I want to live a comfortable life on Pinterest, going to school and going to work, not being bothered with praying and spending quality time with you or something. I am so afraid that you are going to ask me to do something that is going to hurt, and to be honest, I've thought I've heard from you in the past and it wasn't. So I naturally play it safe these days.
Lord, Lord, Lord, how I need you!!!!! I can't tell you how much I want to both be pleasing to you, and yet simply be pleased. I want to be in the place where I can do exactly what I want to do, and it is perfectly in your will. Even when it comes to just my eating habits. I resist the idea of eating healthy, yet when I give into the chips and the cake, etc, I don't enjoy them because I feel guilty. The same goes for this Kid.
I can't tell you how much I want to be in love with him, but my Spirit just won't let me go there. Somehow, I feel like it is wrong to NEED someone as much as I feel the need for him. And I know it's not him. It's the idea of him-it's that SOMEBODY void in my heart,
I know I need to trust you here, to believe that like Rivers, you never are trying purposefully to hurt me. You wound me like a surgeon- intentionally, purposefully- knowing that you will fix me. You don't pick up the broken pieces in a desperate attempt to put me back together. Nothing takes you by surprise.
So.
The question is how do I want to spend time with you????????
God: Behold, my servant whom I uphold, my chosen, in whom my soul delights; I have put my Spirit upon you. A bruised reed I will not break, and a faintly burning wick I will not quench. I will not grow faint or be discouraged til I have established justice in the earth. I am the Lord. I have called you in righteousness. I will take you by the hand and keep you. Nevertheless, I am continually with you. I hold your right hand. I guide you with counsel. And afterward, I will receive you into glory. Your heart and your flesh may fail, but I am the strength of your heart and your portion forever.
April 6, 2015
selfish empathy.
I don't do well with other people suffering. I can't handle it. It hurts.
I realized today that I am a very selfish empathizer. I will feel your pain, but then I buckle. I remove myself from the situation so I do not have to feel your pain anymore. I wish you would recover, because I selfishly can't stand how bad it hurts knowing how bad it hurts you.
I am trying to write a novel about pain. Well, pain is a large factor in the story at least. But, I don't know if I can really be in the moment enough. I used to think I was good at emotion regulation. I really am just good at forgetting pain, drowning it in fuzzy things.
I am praying that the Lord with help me tolerate feeling pain. I want to feel it, because only then will I know how to fix it. Only then will my convictions stand up to the test. I want to feel others' pain deeply. I want to help heal.
I realized today that I am a very selfish empathizer. I will feel your pain, but then I buckle. I remove myself from the situation so I do not have to feel your pain anymore. I wish you would recover, because I selfishly can't stand how bad it hurts knowing how bad it hurts you.
I am trying to write a novel about pain. Well, pain is a large factor in the story at least. But, I don't know if I can really be in the moment enough. I used to think I was good at emotion regulation. I really am just good at forgetting pain, drowning it in fuzzy things.
I am praying that the Lord with help me tolerate feeling pain. I want to feel it, because only then will I know how to fix it. Only then will my convictions stand up to the test. I want to feel others' pain deeply. I want to help heal.
March 10, 2015
the many emotions of 35 minutes
-Excitement: the idea that you can do things if you have money and exercise discipline
ie: study abroad and learn basic navigation aboard a sailing vessel
-Determination: calculating and budgeting out for a projected three years
ie: adding up a projected savings of $300 a month for 36 months
-Disbelief: when your suppressed hopes do a nosedive
ie: realizing that it wouldn't cover half the cost of a trip
-Anger: the emotion that comes out of an attitude of entitlement
ie: Down with taxes! Down with the upper class!! Anarchy!!!!
-Depression: a side effect of guilt
ie: when you realize how unthankful the aforementioned sounds out loud
I guess I struggle with greed. I never really thought I would because I've never had a lot of money, but I really really like money. I like to spend money. I wish I didn't.
It seems that many people go on trips abroad like it's no big deal. I have some friends who go abroad fairly often. One friend and particular- I feel like she isn't afraid to dream big.
I thought this blog post would be about the injustice of dreams, how they give you a magic carpet and then tug as you tumble over- but that's not the poin anymore.
God deals so graciously with me. I mean, I have a beautiful family. We live in a beautiful home. We easy very well, I want for nothing foodwise.
It's easy for me to see the limitations in my life. My friends cars are typically much nicer. Many of them don't care about the cost of their college.
I need Jesus to help me get the right perspective. I need to trust him when he says he has good things in store for Me, that he doesn't like to deprive his children, that he isn't miserly. He gave all, and continues to give.
ie: study abroad and learn basic navigation aboard a sailing vessel
-Determination: calculating and budgeting out for a projected three years
ie: adding up a projected savings of $300 a month for 36 months
-Disbelief: when your suppressed hopes do a nosedive
ie: realizing that it wouldn't cover half the cost of a trip
-Anger: the emotion that comes out of an attitude of entitlement
ie: Down with taxes! Down with the upper class!! Anarchy!!!!
-Depression: a side effect of guilt
ie: when you realize how unthankful the aforementioned sounds out loud
I guess I struggle with greed. I never really thought I would because I've never had a lot of money, but I really really like money. I like to spend money. I wish I didn't.
It seems that many people go on trips abroad like it's no big deal. I have some friends who go abroad fairly often. One friend and particular- I feel like she isn't afraid to dream big.
I thought this blog post would be about the injustice of dreams, how they give you a magic carpet and then tug as you tumble over- but that's not the poin anymore.
God deals so graciously with me. I mean, I have a beautiful family. We live in a beautiful home. We easy very well, I want for nothing foodwise.
It's easy for me to see the limitations in my life. My friends cars are typically much nicer. Many of them don't care about the cost of their college.
I need Jesus to help me get the right perspective. I need to trust him when he says he has good things in store for Me, that he doesn't like to deprive his children, that he isn't miserly. He gave all, and continues to give.
February 12, 2015
The Struggle With Colours
My tendency to bring bright colours into my wardrobe can actually be a real pain. I love being different, and portraying that difference through colours (it's not just about being different though. It's also about just having more colour!) But people are really judgy of that.
For example: hair colour. I was talking to my coworker about how unnatural hair colour is not professional. That got me thinking: why is it considered unprofessional? I guess that's because many people with colourful hair don't keep up their appearance with pressed jackets and tidy updo's. I understand that. If you're working, you ought to be efficient, professional, courteous, productive- but why can't I be all that and have purple hair tucked neatly into a topknot?
I don't normally shake my fists at discrimination in society, but this area bothers me a bit. Those people who give hair colour a bad name by being irresponsible, unproductive, and unprofessional sure make it difficult for those who could be both creatively expressive and a beneficial member of society. It's a crying shame.
Let's keep up this rant, shall we?
I don't want to walk outside with tattoos, gauges, and coloured hair afraid that I'll be made an object of lust. It's true: many, many people alter their bodies in such ways because they want to be sexy. To some, such an appearance communicates, "I'm adventurous. I live life dangerously. Come see how dangerous I can be." But what about those who just like the aesthetic??? It's also a product of victim's fault mentality.
I could be wrong, but I think it should be fine for me to have tattoos and coloured hair. As long as I dress in a manner respectful of myself and my brothers in Christ, and I conduct myself with honor, I see no reason why I should be deemed "easy."
What do ya'll think?
For example: hair colour. I was talking to my coworker about how unnatural hair colour is not professional. That got me thinking: why is it considered unprofessional? I guess that's because many people with colourful hair don't keep up their appearance with pressed jackets and tidy updo's. I understand that. If you're working, you ought to be efficient, professional, courteous, productive- but why can't I be all that and have purple hair tucked neatly into a topknot?
I don't normally shake my fists at discrimination in society, but this area bothers me a bit. Those people who give hair colour a bad name by being irresponsible, unproductive, and unprofessional sure make it difficult for those who could be both creatively expressive and a beneficial member of society. It's a crying shame.
Let's keep up this rant, shall we?
I don't want to walk outside with tattoos, gauges, and coloured hair afraid that I'll be made an object of lust. It's true: many, many people alter their bodies in such ways because they want to be sexy. To some, such an appearance communicates, "I'm adventurous. I live life dangerously. Come see how dangerous I can be." But what about those who just like the aesthetic??? It's also a product of victim's fault mentality.
I could be wrong, but I think it should be fine for me to have tattoos and coloured hair. As long as I dress in a manner respectful of myself and my brothers in Christ, and I conduct myself with honor, I see no reason why I should be deemed "easy."
What do ya'll think?
February 3, 2015
Passion 2015 Thoughts
The Passion 2015 conference was being streamed online, so my family and I watched some of it this weekend. My brothers and sister have been to Passion, two of them several times. The teaching is amazing and the worship phenomenal. This year, it didn't seem as outstanding to me. I mean, just the fact that there are so many students interested in Jesus Christ is pretty amazing, but you know what I mean.
Well.
This morning, I woke up in trepidation about a job training test-run I have today. For apparently no reason, my little mindey mind couldn't shake the idea that God wants to hurt me, that he enjoys inflicting pain on his people.
But I remembered what one of the speakers said, and it encouraged me:
God doesn't drive an ambulance, showing up to fix the damage. God wounds you like a surgeon: purposefully, intentionally, in order to bring you healing.
(paraphrase)
Well.
This morning, I woke up in trepidation about a job training test-run I have today. For apparently no reason, my little mindey mind couldn't shake the idea that God wants to hurt me, that he enjoys inflicting pain on his people.
But I remembered what one of the speakers said, and it encouraged me:
God doesn't drive an ambulance, showing up to fix the damage. God wounds you like a surgeon: purposefully, intentionally, in order to bring you healing.
(paraphrase)
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