Just Thinking

Venting is more like it.  But I really hope to not say anything I regret or will have to repent for later through this post.


With that said.


I just wish things weren't so hard.  I mean, HARD.  Like, "Maybe He is just trying to break you down so He can fix you up" or "you can hurt in the battlefield or you can hurt in the infirmary".  Maybe He is doing that...but it sure would feel alot nicer if He wouldn't require me to love people on top of this.  I can't!  I just can't love others!  And frankly, I don't even want to love these people.


Basically our teacher changed our assignment so that we can now work in groups of two.  I happened to be sitting by someone who I find would be described as difficult for me to love.  And then I hear this person say, "Okay so so-and-so can work with so-and-so and I'll work with (insert my name here)".  Please no God.  So what did I do?  Well, I've developed this theory that it's better to not say anything at all if you can't do what's right, but then I felt awful for pretending not to have heard him.  So then I tried to make it somewhat better without resolving to work with him.  Great idea.  I said, "'Person', um about working together.  Do you even like working in groups?  Cause I haven't decided what I'm going to do yet.  Like (awkward laugh) I have no ideas.  So we need to decide if we are going to work together of not."


And his face fell.


Great way to make it better huh?  So, either I'm unhappy by working with him, or I'm unhappy by NOT working with him.


Lately someone told me that I need to practice saying no.  But then I also heard don't stop reaching out to people.  And it would be completely selfish and unloving to just tell this person "no" in this circumstance.


So now I'm stuck with: do I repent to the Lord?  Do I apologize to the person?  Do I work with him?  If I don't, what do I tell him?  And if I do repent to the Lord, that means I have to try to love him right?  Or don't I?


Then this leads into the whole works vs. faith argument.
...and now i'm going to take a nap, and proceed to do homework...