September 29, 2014

basic art classes

I think Eugene Delacroix would be mortified to know he started the modernist art movement...

"The use of linear perspective had had a great influence upon the development of art in the western cultures, but, in the art of today, it is being cast aside by many who feel that art is more an extended expression of themselves than a mirroring of nature and reality. In some cases, I view this as a lazy excuse to avoid the hard labor of learning to draw."- some book on perspective that I failed to write the title of for future reference, I didn't know how often I would recall this quote
"They muddy the water to make it seem deep. "- Friedrich Nietzsche

"Life is deep and simple and what our society gives us is shallow and complicated. "- Fred Rogers

August 11, 2014

On The Death of Robin Williams

I haven't written in a while, but I wanted to voice this thought to a more personal void than Facebook so here goes:

I get it, Robin Williams. 

I mean, I don't understand what exactly prompted you to take your life, whether it was the reaction to a moment of overwhelming sadness or the buildup of pain over many many years or something else entirely. I don't know why you took that step, but I can honestly say that I would've, too, if it weren't for one, lone truth.

"The devil's singing over me an age old song
That I am cursed and gone astray
Singing the first verse so conveniently over me
He's forgotten the refrain
Jesus Saves."

I am sorry that you didn't feel the full impact of this truth, but I am praying that you had a small knowledge. After all, a bruised reed he will not break; when we are faithless, he remains faithful. 

As I go off to college- a big college, a "hell-hole," a college I did not want to go to at all- at least I have this confidence, that God does not abandon us, even if it feels like it. Don't worry, Abi, 'cause I'm going to be okay. I know the truth and even when I choose to live in guilt and misery, there's always a voice in the back of my mind that reminds me that it can't be that bad, that there really never comes a moment when there is no hope. God does not bring to the point of birth and fail to deliver. So I'm gona be okay. I love you.

January 23, 2014

Musings By the Fire

Was P. L. Travers really such a sad person?  Did she love her father that much to change her name, or was it out of some deep regret she wished to mend?  In the movie, Saving Mr. Banks, she hated pears because her father loved them, and she failed to give him pears before he died.  Was that a fragment of fiction?  And if she really didn't hate pears, suppose she did, would she have thrown them out her window?  Is that within her character?

I enjoyed that *English country dance thoroughly, though I might have wished my feet wouldn't have hurt.  I love that sort of thing.  How nice they preserved such a tradition for us modern people.

What kind of person would I be like if I grew up in Regency times?  Would I have been a terrible flirt, since my family would surely have been different and they influence my morals so?  Would my family really be so very different?  If I grew up then, marriage was the expected.  Would my family expect me to marry well, to not be a burden on my father?  You know, I bet my father would be very like he is now.  He would still feel the burden to take good care of us.  I should think my family would want me to marry for love, but I wouldn't say they expected it.  I certainly would marry, but who?  Would he be a great gentleman, meeting moral standards to a tee?  Would he be coarse and dutiful, or would he be tender and gentle?  Perhaps he would be very very rich, or mayhaps I would end up a clergyman's wife.  I don't think I am suited to such a position.

Mother sleeps, her eyes restful and her skin peachy.  She looks like Aurora from Sleeping Beauty.

The log from the fire just fell.  I hope it does not burn a hole in the chimney.  Oh well.


^Such were the musings of my head as I watched our family's fire tonight.
*I recently attended an English country dance with some friends, where we danced in regency fashion like Jane Austen.

January 11, 2014

Dead Hearts

I've been thinking about the team that just went to Ukraine for Christmas and wishing I could have gone with them.  They went to Kharciv and saw all the kids from two summers ago: David, Oksana, Stam, cont.  My sister was with them.  This is like the eighth time she's been to Ukraine.  Every time she's come back, she always listens to this song and since she is interning away from home, she hasn't been here to play it.  But it came on when I had my ipod on shuffle and I haven't been able to get it out of my head...

"Dead Hearts"

Tell me everything that happened
Tell me everything you saw
They had lights inside their eyes
They had lights inside their eyes

Did you see the closing window?
Did you hear the slamming door?
They moved forward, my heart died
They moved forward, my heart died

Please, please tell me what they look like
Did they seem afraid of you?
They were kids that I once knew
They were kids that I once knew

[Chorus]
I could say it, but you won't believe me
You say you do, but you don't deceive me
It's hard to know they're out there
It's hard to know that you still care
I could say it but you wont believe me
You say you do but you don't deceive me
Dead hearts are everywhere
Dead hearts are everywhere

Did you touch them, did you hold them?
Did they follow you to town?
They make me feel I'm falling down
They make me feel I'm falling down

Was there one you saw too clearly?
Did they seem too real to you?
They were kids that I once knew
They were kids that I once knew

[Chorus x2]

They were kids that I once knew
They were kids that I once knew
Now they're all dead hearts to you
Now they're all dead hearts to you

They were kids that I once knew
They were kids that I once knew
Now they're all dead hearts to you


I miss Ukraine.  I miss the kids I met there.  I wish I could go back to let them know that I have not forgotten them.  Sometimes, it's heartbreaking to think of them because I don't know if anything has changed for them, if their circumstances have gotten any better.  I think I also wish I could go back to relieve myself of the guilt of knowing how often I have forgotten them, how I have taken my circumstances for granted and ignored how hard life is for them.  Or, just forgotten about them, forgotten that they are out there still.  

Isn't it great to know that God never forgets?

November 10, 2013

Day Two

The sun trickled through a hole in our alcove and disrupted my sleep.  I rolled onto my stomach and shoved my face into the soft sea grass and sighed.  I had just slipped into a new dream when Zenaide’s smooth hand touched my shoulder. 
            “Isolde,” she said, “Isolde, it’s time to get up.  Mother wants to see you.”
            I toyed with the idea of ignoring her, but then she shook me and I knew sleep wasn’t going to happen.  My tangled mat of hair flopped in my face as I thrust my body from the spongy rock and sat up. 
            “What time is it?” I mumbled as I rubbed my webbed hands on my face. 
            “It’s 7:30.  Mother let you sleep in.”
            I pushed the hair out of my eyes and looked at Zenaide with contempt. 
            “7:30 is not sleeping in.”
            She raised her perfects eyebrows and shrugged.  I remained in bed and adjusted my eyes to the morning light as Zenaide ordered our room.  She picked up my comb and placed it on the dressing table and pulled back the seaweed from the windows.   Her iridescent tail glimmered as she swam back to the table and sat in the chair.  I watched her ivory arms shimmer in the light as she brushed her hair out with the sea urchin.  Her hair rippled and flowed like the ink of a squid, perfect and black.
            Mother’s voice echoed through the stone walls: “Isolde!”
            I threw back the sea grass mat and flopped out of bed.  The sand rose around me in billowed clouds and I coughed.  I blinked to rid the dust from my eyes and sputtered to clear my lungs, when I felt a sponge thrust in my hand.  I wiped my eyes and stared at my feet. 
            “Thanks, Zenie.”  I said with a blush.  I looked up to see Zenaide smile.  She glanced towards the entryway.  “Better hurry up.  Mother isn’t herself today.”
            I wrinkled my nose, but didn’t reply.  The golden sand of our bedroom settled as I ripped through my hair with the urchin comb and stuffed it in a spotted cowrie.  Zenaide had finished dressing and sat on her bed to weave.  Her hair cascaded down her back and shoulders and a blue sea star held in place a ribbon of red kelp.  I searched the walls to pluck a sea star so I, too, could have something fashionable.  I could only find a red one, but I set it on my hip anyhow.  I skipped the sash because I heard Mother call again.
            Mother sat in the sandy clearing, her eyes fixed on the tapestry she wove.  Without a glance my way, she picked up a new thread of sea weed and said, “Isolde, you slept in today.”
            “I know.”  It must have come across cocky, but I didn’t mean it to.  Mother looked up at me.
            “What was that?”
            “Nothing, Mother.  I’m sorry I slept in.”
            Mother looked back at her tapestry and nodded.  “It’s okay, love.  Your breakfast is on the table and your tapestry is waiting for you there.”
            I spurted to the kitchen to eat my breakfast.  The crab was slick and stringy and I relished the taste.  It was almost as good as when I had it at the Grotenburg’s.  I reached for more on the table, but Mother walked in.
            “Is that how a lady eats?”
            “No?”  I guessed.
            “No, it isn’t. You’ve had your fill, now it’s time to get to work on your tapestry.”
            I slumped in the chair and quickly sat back up again when I caught Mother’s gaze.  My hands fumbled with the threads of sea weed as I labored to produce some kind of image. 
“Is it a shark?”  Mother suggested.
“I don’t think so.”  I held back themat and squinted my eyes.  Somehow, the colors just didn’t work out.  When I started the tapestry a year ago, I had grand ideas of making a coral reef, but I learned that my fingers were far too clumsy.  I gave up on the reef idea and hoped that I could discover some other picture in the threads, but the tapestry failed to produce an image.  After an hour or so, Mother had compassion on me and let me leave that horrid work to play outside.
I scampered out of the house.  The fishherder boy was out with the Yellowtail and I hoped he hadn’t seen me with my hair up.  I coasted over the flat sands that led to the great coral heaps until at last I arrived at the main section of the reef.  The market was alive with merpeople selling crustaceans and gastropods.  I passed by one vendor who thrust out an arm covered with shiny metals. 
“Upperworld beauties for sale!  Get them from Ol’ Hurlei!” The man croaked.  My eyes locked on the jewelry and I stopped to stare.  Just then Seine tackled me from behind. 
“Hey you.” She cackled.  Her green eyes glittered.  “I have a surprise for you today.”
“What kind of surprise?”
“A secret.”  Seine oozed mischief.


Phantom Ladies

Wisps of fog blew over the wooden deck.  The railing grew damp under the captain’s hand as he strolled along the side of his ship.  The wind whistled in his ears.
            “Head East, Mr. Foster.” He called to the coxswain.
“Aye, Sir.”
The great helm creaked.  A bell rung out, clear and ominous, above the deck.  The captain narrowed his eyes and stared at the horizon.
“My glass, Mr. Barrow, if you please.”
The First Lieutenant placed the glass in the captain’s weathered hands.  He lifted the instrument to his right eye, closed his left, and searched the horizon.
A sweet voice floated above the waters to the ears of the sailors.  The song was light and airy and the men’s eyes grew wide with the sound.
“South-South West, Mr. Tremain.”  The captain barked.  He raised the glass again.  Through the gusts of fog, the figure of a woman appeared.  She sat on the rocks and stroked her auburn hair with her long fingers.  Her eyes turned toward the ship.
She beckoned them closer with a wave of her hand and the song swelled in crescendo.  The sailors flocked to the starboard side of the ship, their eyes wide and their mouths open.  Never before had his men beheld such an enchanting creature.
As the ship drew nearer, the woman’s features grew distinct.  Her perfect lips were blue and her arms were adorned with blue tattoos.  Gold bangles draped on her wrists and neck.  A gold brooch nestled in her hair.  She suddenly ceased her song.  The sailors leaned in.  Some blew kisses in the air while others smiled and waved.  The creature smiled back at them.  Her eyes were warm and inviting.  She leaned her head back, and shrieked at the noonday sun.
Eel-like tendrils burst out of the water and seized the ship.  The main mast snapped and toppled to the deck.  Wet ropes writhed in the air and landed in twisted coils on top of crippled men.  Sea water burst through giant punctures in the side of the ship and flooded the lower deck.  The captain reeled and stumbled.  He gripped the railing on the starboard side as the ship was lifted out of the water.  Sailors tumbled out and plunged into the dark water below.  The ship shook and the captain was flung towards the sea.  The shock of the water stung his body and he sunk, frozen, but his eyes flew open and he kicked towards the surface.  All at once, three creatures appeared and circled around him.  They were not women at all, but had tails like eels and pointed teeth.  They wrapped their fingers around his arms and swam down.  The captain’s heart beat fast.  The light grew dark.


            

October 12, 2013

Facing Reality

Have you ever dreamed about something for a really long time, and then, suddenly, you face the reality of your dream?  You are on the brink of your greatest nightmare or a Disney-esque fairy tale and you don't know if you want to find out which it is.  In the end you jump because you want to discover if your dream will really be as sweet as you hope, and you realize that to keep dreaming without fulfilling your dream would be to waste your time.  It would be better to have your heart broken because it wasn't all you wanted it to be than to keep standing on the edge waiting.  And maybe your dream will end up being all you hoped it would be.
Or, to quote Tangled:

Flynn Rider[noticing the look on Rapunzel's face] You OK?
Rapunzel[meekly whispers] I'm terrified.
Flynn Rider[softly] Why?
Rapunzel: I've been looking out a window for eighteen years, dreaming about what it might feel like when those lights rise in the sky. What if it's not everything that I dreamed it would be?
Flynn Rider: [reassuringly] It will be.
Rapunzel: And what if it is? What do I do then?
Flynn Rider: Well that's the good part, I guess. You get to go find a new dream.

^Ugh, sap.