TITLE: "We're All Mad Here" OR "The Doctor's Orders"

"I am not my own for I have been made new.  Please don't let me go, I desperately need you." ~Meteor Shower, Owl City

Why am I like this?  The things I hate, I love and the things I love, I don't love enough.

I'm cheating.

That is really my self pity speakin' out of me.  All I really need to do it realize that on every page of the Bible is written the following phrase:
"YOU ARE FORGIVEN, YOU DUMBO!"

Aside from this confrontation I have been avoiding, I have been taking my flimsy emotions and locking them away.  I guess I should confront them and face why I feel this way.  I have my own conjectures but the Doctor knows the anecdote...

~~~~~~~~~>{I have this class which is really hard for me for various reasons...I just don't know what to do.  I've always been a rule follower, so much so people see me that way. I just feel so confused.  The Bible doesn't write out a prescription for stuff like this.  I just feel tired.  I don't want to face all of this.... WARNING: SELF PITY APPROACHING}<~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Whoosh!!!!

So alot is going on for me spiritually, but right now I just feel like having some comic relief.

So...

Today I ran some errands with my mama.  We did the usual grocery shopping and popped into a thrift store.  Next on our list was a craft store.  Right next to this craft store is a pet shop which will sometimes have cats and kittens there.  I popped into said store while my mom ran the errand.

Normally, I look at several felines, find my favorite, and discover its personality.  I will then proceed to name the kitty as a hobby.

I was immediately excited because there were several kittens in the mix.  Two of them were black and then one kitten in a separate cage was grey and white.  I attempted to establish contact with the black kittens, but they weren't really interested.  So I went to the grey kitten.

I am the proud owner of two cats, Cuddles, a grey/black/brown Tabby of 10+, and Miss Jane, a precious little grey thing of about 5.  I was naturally attracted to the grey kitten because it reminded me of my Jane.

But I wasn't exactly in love with it.  I appreciated it and thought it was precious, but it wasn't how I usually react.

So my mom comes inside to collect me and sees me with the grey kitten.  She fell in love with it right there.  I mean, usually she humors my love for cats but today she just melted at the sight of this little kitten.  It was so strangely unexpected.

No, we do not own three cats now, but "a little yeast works through the dough", right?  haha

I am my own worst enemy.  That's basically all I have to say.

My Long Red Cape...

Ante note: I don't feel this way all the time.  So whatever I say, unless stated otherwise, I only feel this way some of the time.

"It hurts just to wake up whenever you're wearing thin.  Alone on the outside, so tired of looking in.  The end is uncertain and I've never been so afraid, but I don't need a telescope to see that there's hope and that makes me feel brave." -Tidal Wave, Owl City

I was recently given two books by people who care about me.  The first book is Surrender to Love by David Benner and the second is It Came From Within by Andy Stanley.  I already knew that Surrender to Love would be hard because just the word "surrender" sounded fishy, but I didn't realize how much of a problem I'd have with it.  I mean, It Came From Within talks about the issues of the heart...you'd think that'd be more difficult right?  Well, turns out it's still pretty difficult, but in the beginning I told my mom that it wasn't that hard for me to read it.  She pointed out that it wasn't as hard for me because it was something I could work on.  I could fix myself, so to speak, whereas Surrender to Love is simply that - surrender. to. Love.  But the book really explains why I act the way I do.  At one point, Benner talks about how people who've been hurt or have hurt others before make limitations for themselves so it WON'T happen again.

That is so me.

I limit myself on everything because every time I let myself do it, I blow it or at least have a mental battle.  It is weird for me to dress beautifully because I'm afraid it's going to make me feel flirty and act on it.  And that's just one thing in a sea of limitations.

I'm so lost sometimes.


"What do I love?
What do I hate?
What will I lose?
What will I gain?
How do I save my soul?
What if I bend?
What if I break?
What will it cost?
What will it take?
For you to save my soul?"


~Let It Go, By Tenth Avenue North


But then again, about four days ago I was feeling freeish.  Like God loved me and that's all that mattered.  It felt great.  But  in my daily life I have to make decisions about what I'm going to do and it ruins everything...how do I dress?  What do I watch?  You can't watch that...it makes you feel _____.  You can't just ignore this because that's like those people who just say they're Christians but don't really walk in it.  Take up your cross...if anyone looks back they are not worthy of me...you're just saying that because you want attention.

I've also learned that I starve for attention, have a problem with vulnerability, and am extremely afraid,  all of which I never thought I had a problem with.  I always hear about those people who have problems being vulnerable, but I guess because I'm so emotional it didn't occur that I was not exempt.  As I walk through the halls of my school, my pride and insecurity cause me to be tense and cold.  I am so obsessed with NOT looking like a fool...that I look like nasty.  And then I didn't realize how much praise means to me.  I want people to tell me good job and that I'm fantastic at such and such.  I'm sure everyone does.  But lately it feels like everything I do I'm searching for affirmation.  I have a great family and awesome people always telling me I'm brilliant at things...so why am I so obsessed with this?  [conflicted feelings here: pride and affirmation?  What are my motives?]  And then I'm so afraid of giving things up to God.  I am afraid He is going to take away things I love... not like my family or anything, but my comforts.  And in a sense, I know He will.

So where am I?  Am I completely lost and a mess and needing to give up these things to Him?  Or am I completely safe and it doesn't matter if I do it or not?

On the other hand, I have seen God's hand in my life recently.  He blessed me with a random massage (my shoulders/neck are so tight) from someone who didn't even know I was wanting one, and a friend gave me a word from God.  And I worried that I won't get up tomorrow.  I've felt that way for a loooooong time, but because every morning What-do-ya-know?  I get up, I don't fear that so much.

“The Christian does not think God will love us because we are good, but that God will make us good because He loves us.”
― C.S. Lewis


I think I should get this tatooed on my forehead.






Post note:  After writing this, I feel ever so much better.  Overall message: lEt iT gO.




good "Let It Go" songs are as follows:


Red Cape by Priscilla Ahn


Alaska by Sky Sailing


Let It Go by Tenth Avenue North


Little Wonders by Rob Thomas