My Long Red Cape...

Ante note: I don't feel this way all the time.  So whatever I say, unless stated otherwise, I only feel this way some of the time.

"It hurts just to wake up whenever you're wearing thin.  Alone on the outside, so tired of looking in.  The end is uncertain and I've never been so afraid, but I don't need a telescope to see that there's hope and that makes me feel brave." -Tidal Wave, Owl City

I was recently given two books by people who care about me.  The first book is Surrender to Love by David Benner and the second is It Came From Within by Andy Stanley.  I already knew that Surrender to Love would be hard because just the word "surrender" sounded fishy, but I didn't realize how much of a problem I'd have with it.  I mean, It Came From Within talks about the issues of the heart...you'd think that'd be more difficult right?  Well, turns out it's still pretty difficult, but in the beginning I told my mom that it wasn't that hard for me to read it.  She pointed out that it wasn't as hard for me because it was something I could work on.  I could fix myself, so to speak, whereas Surrender to Love is simply that - surrender. to. Love.  But the book really explains why I act the way I do.  At one point, Benner talks about how people who've been hurt or have hurt others before make limitations for themselves so it WON'T happen again.

That is so me.

I limit myself on everything because every time I let myself do it, I blow it or at least have a mental battle.  It is weird for me to dress beautifully because I'm afraid it's going to make me feel flirty and act on it.  And that's just one thing in a sea of limitations.

I'm so lost sometimes.


"What do I love?
What do I hate?
What will I lose?
What will I gain?
How do I save my soul?
What if I bend?
What if I break?
What will it cost?
What will it take?
For you to save my soul?"


~Let It Go, By Tenth Avenue North


But then again, about four days ago I was feeling freeish.  Like God loved me and that's all that mattered.  It felt great.  But  in my daily life I have to make decisions about what I'm going to do and it ruins everything...how do I dress?  What do I watch?  You can't watch that...it makes you feel _____.  You can't just ignore this because that's like those people who just say they're Christians but don't really walk in it.  Take up your cross...if anyone looks back they are not worthy of me...you're just saying that because you want attention.

I've also learned that I starve for attention, have a problem with vulnerability, and am extremely afraid,  all of which I never thought I had a problem with.  I always hear about those people who have problems being vulnerable, but I guess because I'm so emotional it didn't occur that I was not exempt.  As I walk through the halls of my school, my pride and insecurity cause me to be tense and cold.  I am so obsessed with NOT looking like a fool...that I look like nasty.  And then I didn't realize how much praise means to me.  I want people to tell me good job and that I'm fantastic at such and such.  I'm sure everyone does.  But lately it feels like everything I do I'm searching for affirmation.  I have a great family and awesome people always telling me I'm brilliant at things...so why am I so obsessed with this?  [conflicted feelings here: pride and affirmation?  What are my motives?]  And then I'm so afraid of giving things up to God.  I am afraid He is going to take away things I love... not like my family or anything, but my comforts.  And in a sense, I know He will.

So where am I?  Am I completely lost and a mess and needing to give up these things to Him?  Or am I completely safe and it doesn't matter if I do it or not?

On the other hand, I have seen God's hand in my life recently.  He blessed me with a random massage (my shoulders/neck are so tight) from someone who didn't even know I was wanting one, and a friend gave me a word from God.  And I worried that I won't get up tomorrow.  I've felt that way for a loooooong time, but because every morning What-do-ya-know?  I get up, I don't fear that so much.

“The Christian does not think God will love us because we are good, but that God will make us good because He loves us.”
― C.S. Lewis


I think I should get this tatooed on my forehead.






Post note:  After writing this, I feel ever so much better.  Overall message: lEt iT gO.




good "Let It Go" songs are as follows:


Red Cape by Priscilla Ahn


Alaska by Sky Sailing


Let It Go by Tenth Avenue North


Little Wonders by Rob Thomas