Courage

Hey God, me again.

Thanks that you don't see me as nothing, or hopeless, or a lost cause.  Thank you that I am your child and I always will be, no matter how hard I try to forget that sometimes.  I'm glad you can't let me go.

Thank you for your steadfast never ending love.  It is amazing and refreshing.  Give me the grace I am needing right now.

Help me Lord when I am afraid and I doubt and I don't want to dig deep to solve the problems.  Help me with that.  Give me courage and strength to persevere.  Help me to fight a good fight against my sin.  Help me to hate it as you hate it.

Help me be humble.  I fear the pain that it takes to be humbled.

Keep me abiding that I might bear fruit.

Give me clear visions of my life as you see it, the sin, the good work You are going, the work You would have me do, all of it.  Please show me what to do.  Be with me as I soul search.  Please help me when the pain seems to incredible to bear.

Be near me Lord Jesus, I ask thee to stay close by me forever and love me I pray.  I pray your glory shine in this doubting heart of mine and all would know that You are my strength.  You are my strength.  You and You alone keep bringing me back home.  Please don't let me go, I desperately need You.


"He has told you, O man, what is good;
   and what does the LORD require of you
but to do justice, and to love kindness,   ^{and to walk humbly with your God?...}
Who is a God like you, 
   who pardons sin and forgives the transgression 
   of the remnant of his inheritance? 
You do not stay angry forever 
   but delight to show mercy. 
You will again have compassion on us; 
   you will tread our sins underfoot 
   and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea. 
You will be faithful to Jacob, 
   and show love to Abraham, 
as you pledged on oath to our ancestors 
   in days long ago."


"It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed."

Flying and Lying Down

"it's good to think
but it's good to drink
from this living stream
so why

Why don't you fly
free your mind
to all this splendor
why don't you fly
to the Arms
that save

You can come
while your heart feels numb
you could just lie down
and rest"

"Filled, Flooded, Blinded Again With the Light"

My sister and I have been rereading my favorite book.  I am not a big rereader (to my shame!) but this book has been my favorite since something like third grade and it never gets old.  Alot of things have been happening in my life and through these incidents and this go round of rereading I'm coming into a greater understanding of God.

This book is called  The Tale of Despereaux.  Though I think everyone should read this book, this post is not entirely for that purpose, as some of you might think.  "This story begins within the walls of a castle, with the birth of a mouse."  Despereaux, the mouse, is noble and honorable, in love with all things lovely, such as stained glass, knights in shining armor, chivalry, and the Princess Pea.  The first few chapters are full of all such wonderful things.  These chapters remind you of all that is good and green in this world.

After the initial section about Despereaux, Kate DiCamillo writes about a rat.  She writes about the darkness of the dungeon, how ugly and evil it is.  "It was quiet in an ominous way; it was quiet in the way of small frightening sounds...And then, too, there was the noise of the rats going about their buisness, their sharp tails hitting the stones of the dungeon and their long tails dragging behind them, through the blood and muck."
The rat, called Roscuro, was a typical rat.  Dark and evil like his kind.  A "black-souled rat".  But one day, his soul was awakened by the light.


""...for it happened that when Roscuro was a very young rat, he came upon a great length of rope on the dungeon floor.
'Ah, what have we here?' said Roscuro.
Being a rat, he immediately began nibbling on the rope.
'Stop that,' boomed a voice, and a great hand came out of the darkness and picked the rat up by his tail and held him suspened upside down.
'Were you nibbling on Gregory's rope, rat?'
...And keeping Roscuro upside down, Gregory lit a match with the nail of his thumb, ssssstttttt, and then held the brilliant flame right in Roscuro's face.
'Ahhh,' said Roscuro.  He pulled his head back, away from the light.  But, alas, he did not close his eyes, and the flame exploded around him and danced inside of him.
...Roscuro sat on the dungeon floor...His heart was beating hard, and though the light had dissappeared, it danced, still, before the rat's eyes, even when he closed them.
'Light,' he said aloud.  And then he whispered the word again.  'Light.'"
"From that moment forward, Roscuro showed an abnormal, inordinate interest in illumination of all sorts.  He was always, in the darkness of the dungeon, on the lookout for the smallest glimmer, the tiniest shimmer.  His rat soul longed inexplicably for it; he began to think that light was the only thing that gave life meaning, and he despaired that there was so little of it to be had."

In the story, Roscuro tells another rat about how "the meaning of life is light".  The rat persuades him that light is not the answer, but watching the suffering of others is the answer.  Later a prisoner is thrown into the dungeon.  The light from the castle illuminates the dungeon for a few split seconds.  A bloodred tablecloth is thrown down into the dungeon from above and floats in front of the light for a few seconds.

"He closed his eyes.  He saw, again, the red cloth spinning against the backdrop of gold.
And he told himself, reader, that it was the cloth that he desired and not the light."

How many times do we do that?  I do it often, not so blatantly sometimes, but in reading that phrase I feel such a pain in my heart for Roscuro.  It's so sad to choose lesser things.

"What a disappointment it was!  Looking at it, Roscuro knew that Botticelli was wrong.  What Roscuro wanted, what he needed, was not the cloth, but the light that had shone behind it.
He wanted to be filled, flooded, blinded again with the light."

Filled, flooded, blinded again with the light.  The light.  The Light.

Then Jesus spoke again to them, saying, "I am the light of the world; he who follows me will not walk in the darkness, but will have the light of life." ~John 8:12

"Give me one pure and holy passion
Give me on magnificent obsession
Give me one glorious ambition for my life
To know and follow hard after You

To know and follow hard after you
To grow as your disciple in your truth
This world is empty, pale, and poor
Compared to knowing you, my Lord
Lead me on and I will run after you
Lead me on and I will run after you" ~One Pure And Holy Passion by Passion

“All men seek happiness. This is without exception. Whatever different means they employ, they all tend to this end. The cause of some going to war, and of others avoiding it, is the same desire in both, attended with different views. The will never takes the least step but to this object. This is the motive of every action of every man, even of those who hang themselves.”
― Blaise Pascal

I am not perfect and I often stoop for the red tablecloth instead of the Light.  But I'm realizing that the purpose and the fulfillment of my soul is found in the Light.  I don't want to live my life half-filled.  I am told I am "a feeler" and I have to agree.  I thrive on strong emotions.  Reading about Roscuro and the Light reminds me how much I want to be filled, flooded, blinded again with the light.  I can't describe the feeling as well as Kate DiCamillo, but like Roscuro, my rat-soul longs inexplicably for light.

I Cannot

I could not see, And I could not breathe
Until I was freed, Until I was redeemed
So I cannot boast cause I did not know
Until I was shown, Until I was reborn

Father remind me please how this all goes

I cannot earn Your smile
I cannot work my way
Into the Love of Christ
Into amazing grace
You gave me the gift of life
You gave me the gift of faith
Let me receive this God
and rest in Your ways

So I will not strive. And I will not hide.
In You I’m alive. In You I’ll abide.
I want to believe. I want to receive
the way you see me, Righteous and clean

Father remind me please how this all goes

I cannot earn Your smile
I cannot work my way
Into the Love of Christ
Into amazing grace
You gave me the gift of life
You gave me the gift of faith
Let me receive this God
and rest in Your ways

Not a thing I add, not a thing I bring
can enhance Your love, change Your thoughts of me
So in hope I’ll trust, to the cross I’ll cling to You
Every drop of blood spilled at Calvary was so I could live
was so I could sing so I give my life, lay down everything to You

I cannot earn Your smile
I cannot work my way
Into the Love of Christ
Into amazing grace
You gave me the gift of life
You gave me the gift of faith
Let me receive this God
and rest in Your ways

Чтобы моя Россия Аудитория ...

Здравствуйте. Я не знаю, если вы все еще смотрите на этой странице или нет, но я заметил, что я был кто-то из России, глядя на мой блог. Я на самом деле изучения русского языкакак мои языковые курсы в старшей школе, так что я подумал, что это было довольно здорово, что вы были бы за мной. Я не много знаю русский язык (я использую программы перевода, чтобы написать это), но, надеюсь, когда-нибудь я станусвободно. В любом случае, я просто хотел сказать привет, если вы все еще за мной!


*Hello.  I don't know if you still look at this page or not, but I noticed I had someone from Russia looking at my blog.  I am actually learning Russian as my language course in highschool, so I thought that it was pretty cool that you would be following me.  I don't know much Russian (I am using a translation program to write this) but hopefully someday I will become fluent.  Either way, I just wanted to say hello if you were still following me!*

As of November Fifth...

I just attempted to spend some time getting myself into shape by finishing a spiritual book.  I was going to finish the book, and then listen to a song and then read Isaiah.  But I just got so angry at God I didn't want to anymore.

I hate these things about myself.  And I hate that I have to change.  My initial reaction to the word "repentance" is to stop and turn to a stone wall because I've been repenting so much now, I hate myself.

What hurts is that no matter what, I am still going to have to go through hard things.  Hard:

1.  not soft; solid and firm to the touch; unyielding to pressure and impenetrable or almost impenetrable.

2. firmly formed; tight: a hard knot.

3. difficult to do or accomplish; fatiguing; troublesome: a hard task.

4. difficult or troublesome with respect to an action, situation,person, etc.: hard to please; a hard time.

5. difficult to deal with, manage, control, overcome, or understand: a hard problem.

adverb

          with great exertion; with vigor or violence; strenuously: to work hard; to try hard.

"When it came down to it there was scarcely a word, or a feeling or a thought or a decision of mine that I felt God really liked."-Adopted, Ben Stuart

I feel like every decision I make is wrong.  When I do say yes to people, I make the wrong choice and when I say no, I make the wrong choice.

So if God really loves me, why is everything so hard?  When will it end?  After I die isn't comforting enough.  Why, if He loves me, does he allow people to feel abandoned by him?  Why?

I know God loves me.  I know I put more pressure on myself than God ever would.  I know this all will pass soon, but right now I feel so defeated.  I just feel done.  I'm glad that God works through broken, hurt, and angry people.  I know he is working on me and that I will come to a place of victory.  I just don't know what to do until then.

I hope this doesn't discourage you, I just needed to get this out of my system.  I honestly feel better already so please, please don't get discouraged.

Wild Horses

*This is a cool dream I had a few days ago.  It's short and sweet, but it was pretty fun :)

It was like I was at this summer camp.  It was a pretty small facility...surrounded by a dense forest of trees.  At one point the trees narrowed in and the land formed a figure 8, with a brook running through the second circle. It was sort of rocky.  The terrain was grassy, sort of like a mountain overgrown with grass.  I had just arrived and I wasn't really hanging out with anyone.  I randomly decided to go to the stables, which were small gated boxes with an open roof.  I found a huge black stallion and just jumped on with no problem.  I rode bareback with just the mane to guide the horse.  It flew around the camp, jumping over the brook.  I was slightly upset the area wasn't larger so I could have more room to ride.  I leaned in close to the horse and showed skillful horsemanship.  It was awesome.


*Funny though, I have ridden a horse before but only once without someone leading me.  I was so hardcore in the dream, but in reality I can't do any of those things!  haha