As of November Fifth...

I just attempted to spend some time getting myself into shape by finishing a spiritual book.  I was going to finish the book, and then listen to a song and then read Isaiah.  But I just got so angry at God I didn't want to anymore.

I hate these things about myself.  And I hate that I have to change.  My initial reaction to the word "repentance" is to stop and turn to a stone wall because I've been repenting so much now, I hate myself.

What hurts is that no matter what, I am still going to have to go through hard things.  Hard:

1.  not soft; solid and firm to the touch; unyielding to pressure and impenetrable or almost impenetrable.

2. firmly formed; tight: a hard knot.

3. difficult to do or accomplish; fatiguing; troublesome: a hard task.

4. difficult or troublesome with respect to an action, situation,person, etc.: hard to please; a hard time.

5. difficult to deal with, manage, control, overcome, or understand: a hard problem.

adverb

          with great exertion; with vigor or violence; strenuously: to work hard; to try hard.

"When it came down to it there was scarcely a word, or a feeling or a thought or a decision of mine that I felt God really liked."-Adopted, Ben Stuart

I feel like every decision I make is wrong.  When I do say yes to people, I make the wrong choice and when I say no, I make the wrong choice.

So if God really loves me, why is everything so hard?  When will it end?  After I die isn't comforting enough.  Why, if He loves me, does he allow people to feel abandoned by him?  Why?

I know God loves me.  I know I put more pressure on myself than God ever would.  I know this all will pass soon, but right now I feel so defeated.  I just feel done.  I'm glad that God works through broken, hurt, and angry people.  I know he is working on me and that I will come to a place of victory.  I just don't know what to do until then.

I hope this doesn't discourage you, I just needed to get this out of my system.  I honestly feel better already so please, please don't get discouraged.