the many emotions of 35 minutes

-Excitement: the idea that you can do things if you have money and exercise discipline
ie: study abroad and learn basic navigation aboard a sailing vessel
-Determination: calculating and budgeting out for a projected three years
ie: adding up a projected savings of $300 a month for 36 months
-Disbelief: when your suppressed hopes do a nosedive
ie: realizing that it wouldn't cover half the cost of a trip
-Anger: the emotion that comes out of an attitude of entitlement
ie: Down with taxes! Down with the upper class!! Anarchy!!!!
-Depression: a side effect of guilt
ie: when you realize how unthankful the aforementioned sounds out loud

I guess I struggle with greed. I never really thought I would because I've never had a lot of money, but I really really like money. I like to spend money. I wish I didn't.
It seems that many people go on trips abroad like it's no big deal. I have some friends who go abroad fairly often. One friend and particular- I feel like she isn't afraid to dream big.
I thought this blog post would be about the injustice of dreams, how they give you a magic carpet and then tug as you tumble over- but that's not the poin anymore.
God deals so graciously with me. I mean, I have a beautiful family. We live in a beautiful home. We easy very well, I want for nothing foodwise.
It's easy for me to see the limitations in my life. My friends cars are typically much nicer. Many of them don't care about the cost of their college.

I need Jesus to help me get the right perspective. I need to trust him when he says he has good things in store for Me, that he doesn't like to deprive his children, that he isn't miserly. He gave all, and continues to give.

The Struggle With Colours

My tendency to bring bright colours into my wardrobe can actually be a real pain. I love being different, and portraying that difference through colours (it's not just about being different though. It's also about just having more colour!) But people are really judgy of that.

For example: hair colour. I was talking to my coworker about how unnatural hair colour is not professional. That got me thinking: why is it considered unprofessional? I guess that's because many people with colourful hair don't keep up their appearance with pressed jackets and tidy updo's. I understand that. If you're working, you ought to be efficient, professional, courteous, productive- but why can't I be all that and have purple hair tucked neatly into a topknot?

I don't normally shake my fists at discrimination in society, but this area bothers me a bit. Those people who give hair colour a bad name by being irresponsible, unproductive, and unprofessional sure make it difficult for those who could be both creatively expressive and a beneficial member of society. It's a crying shame.

Let's keep up this rant, shall we?

I don't want to walk outside with tattoos, gauges, and coloured hair afraid that I'll be made an object of lust. It's true: many, many people alter their bodies in such ways because they want to be sexy. To some, such an appearance communicates, "I'm adventurous. I live life dangerously. Come see how dangerous I can be." But what about those who just like the aesthetic??? It's also a product of victim's fault mentality.

I could be wrong, but I think it should be fine for me to have tattoos and coloured hair. As long as I dress in a manner respectful of myself and my brothers in Christ, and I conduct myself with honor, I see no reason why I should be deemed "easy."

What do ya'll think? 

"It suddenly struck me that that tiny pea, pretty and blue, was the Earth. I put up my thumb and shut one eye, and my thumb blotted out the planet Earth. I didn't feel like a giant. I felt very, very small."

~Neil Armstrong

Passion 2015 Thoughts

The Passion 2015 conference was being streamed online, so my family and I watched some of it this weekend. My brothers and sister have been to Passion, two of them several times. The teaching is amazing and the worship phenomenal. This year, it didn't seem as outstanding to me. I mean, just the fact that there are so many students interested in Jesus Christ is pretty amazing, but you know what I mean.

Well.

 This morning, I woke up in trepidation about a job training test-run I have today. For apparently no reason, my little mindey mind couldn't shake the idea that God wants to hurt me, that he enjoys inflicting pain on his people.

But I remembered what one of the speakers said, and it encouraged me:

God doesn't drive an ambulance, showing up to fix the damage. God wounds you like a surgeon: purposefully, intentionally, in order to bring you healing.

(paraphrase)

CLEP Test Stress/ Failings

I just want to say for the record that I'm terrified of life.

I feel the weight of results before I even begin.

Whatever you're doing, it better be good when you finish.

She's much better at art than you.

Just look at her shading.

Good grief, look at that perspective.

So creative. Too bad you're not that smart.

Are you really going to eat ANOTHER thing tonight? For real?

She's better at learning languages.

Wow, can't you remember anything?

You don't practice enough to be any good at anything.



SO before I even begin studying for this CLEP test, I think it'd be good to remind myself of a few things.

I AM.

She may have more technical skill, but remember you're not even in school right now, so you're not getting the same instruction. Don't compare yourself with others.

There's something about your work that makes it different than everybody else's, even if you feel it's not as valuable.

That's a crock of poop. You flipping have a 4.0... and you've had a 4.0 since you were a Freshman in high school.

They like to roll you like dough, Honey.

Okay, she may be better at learning languages, but you're flipping LEARNING A LANGUAGE. Stop throwing a pity party and just be excited that you can sound out the Cyrillic alphabet.

But above all, Darling, remember Tom Hiddleston is still single.

Okay, so that's pretty great, but REALLY, just remember that I love you. I actually do. 

The Paris Wife, and Other Stories

I love Hemingway.

For the record, I generally hate his plots, but I absolutely love his soul and, of course, his writing style.

My sister lent me a copy of  Paula McClain's The Paris Wife, a historical fiction about Hemingway's first marriage. It's lovely. McClain does a magnificent job mimicking Hemingway's style whenever he speaks, and Hadley feels terribly real and alive.

I stumbled across this quote in the book, and I did a reader's double take.

It gave me a sharp kind of sadness to think that no matter how much I loved him and tried to put him back together again. he might stay broken forever.

Um...


Can we....


Merrrrrrrrr...

...

...

... Even this....

I have problems.

"But he's really kind and gentle"

kind and gentle

The Sort of Person Everyone Speaks Well of

Mrs. Dashwood: "You're a very wicked pair. Colonel Brandon will be sadly missed."

Willoughby: "Why,when's he the sort of person everyone speaks well of, and no one remembers to talk to?"



Oh, the rants I could go on! This quote has haunted me for years.

But now, I'm okay with being the sort of person everyone speaks well of. You know, it seems my whole family is respected, admired, and not invited to things very much. People will come to us for advice and they trust our judgement, but it seems that in general we're not deemed very fun company.

Which of course is ridiculous. I mean, we make Star Wars cookies and eat dinner on our rooftop. Come on, now.

In the past, it bothered me that we were Colonel Brandon's, but I don't mind now because I actually have friends who enjoy hanging out with me. I'm fun. I'm funny. And people actually like me.


Cheers.