Day Two

The sun trickled through a hole in our alcove and disrupted my sleep.  I rolled onto my stomach and shoved my face into the soft sea grass and sighed.  I had just slipped into a new dream when Zenaide’s smooth hand touched my shoulder. 

            “Isolde,” she said, “Isolde, it’s time to get up.  Mother wants to see you.”

            I toyed with the idea of ignoring her, but then she shook me and I knew sleep wasn’t going to happen.  My tangled mat of hair flopped in my face as I thrust my body from the spongy rock and sat up. 

            “What time is it?” I mumbled as I rubbed my webbed hands on my face. 

            “It’s 7:30.  Mother let you sleep in.”

            I pushed the hair out of my eyes and looked at Zenaide with contempt. 

            “7:30 is not sleeping in.”

            She raised her perfects eyebrows and shrugged.  I remained in bed and adjusted my eyes to the morning light as Zenaide ordered our room.  She picked up my comb and placed it on the dressing table and pulled back the seaweed from the windows.   Her iridescent tail glimmered as she swam back to the table and sat in the chair.  I watched her ivory arms shimmer in the light as she brushed her hair out with the sea urchin.  Her hair rippled and flowed like the ink of a squid, perfect and black.

            Mother’s voice echoed through the stone walls: “Isolde!”

            I threw back the sea grass mat and flopped out of bed.  The sand rose around me in billowed clouds and I coughed.  I blinked to rid the dust from my eyes and sputtered to clear my lungs, when I felt a sponge thrust in my hand.  I wiped my eyes and stared at my feet. 

            “Thanks, Zenie.”  I said with a blush.  I looked up to see Zenaide smile.  She glanced towards the entryway.  “Better hurry up.  Mother isn’t herself today.”

            I wrinkled my nose, but didn’t reply.  The golden sand of our bedroom settled as I ripped through my hair with the urchin comb and stuffed it in a spotted cowrie.  Zenaide had finished dressing and sat on her bed to weave.  Her hair cascaded down her back and shoulders and a blue sea star held in place a ribbon of red kelp.  I searched the walls to pluck a sea star so I, too, could have something fashionable.  I could only find a red one, but I set it on my hip anyhow.  I skipped the sash because I heard Mother call again.

            Mother sat in the sandy clearing, her eyes fixed on the tapestry she wove.  Without a glance my way, she picked up a new thread of sea weed and said, “Isolde, you slept in today.”

            “I know.”  It must have come across cocky, but I didn’t mean it to.  Mother looked up at me.

            “What was that?”

            “Nothing, Mother.  I’m sorry I slept in.”

            Mother looked back at her tapestry and nodded.  “It’s okay, love.  Your breakfast is on the table and your tapestry is waiting for you there.”

            I spurted to the kitchen to eat my breakfast.  The crab was slick and stringy and I relished the taste.  It was almost as good as when I had it at the Grotenburg’s.  I reached for more on the table, but Mother walked in.

            “Is that how a lady eats?”

            “No?”  I guessed.

            “No, it isn’t. You’ve had your fill, now it’s time to get to work on your tapestry.”

            I slumped in the chair and quickly sat back up again when I caught Mother’s gaze.  My hands fumbled with the threads of sea weed as I labored to produce some kind of image. 

“Is it a shark?”  Mother suggested.

“I don’t think so.”  I held back themat and squinted my eyes.  Somehow, the colors just didn’t work out.  When I started the tapestry a year ago, I had grand ideas of making a coral reef, but I learned that my fingers were far too clumsy.  I gave up on the reef idea and hoped that I could discover some other picture in the threads, but the tapestry failed to produce an image.  After an hour or so, Mother had compassion on me and let me leave that horrid work to play outside.

I scampered out of the house.  The fishherder boy was out with the Yellowtail and I hoped he hadn’t seen me with my hair up.  I coasted over the flat sands that led to the great coral heaps until at last I arrived at the main section of the reef.  The market was alive with merpeople selling crustaceans and gastropods.  I passed by one vendor who thrust out an arm covered with shiny metals. 

“Upperworld beauties for sale!  Get them from Ol’ Hurlei!” The man croaked.  My eyes locked on the jewelry and I stopped to stare.  Just then Seine tackled me from behind. 

“Hey you.” She cackled.  Her green eyes glittered.  “I have a surprise for you today.”

“What kind of surprise?”

“A secret.”  Seine oozed mischief.

Phantom Ladies

Wisps of fog blew over the wooden deck.  The railing grew damp under the captain’s hand as he strolled along the side of his ship.  The wind whistled in his ears.

            “Head East, Mr. Foster.” He called to the coxswain.

“Aye, Sir.”

The great helm creaked.  A bell rung out, clear and ominous, above the deck.  The captain narrowed his eyes and stared at the horizon.

“My glass, Mr. Barrow, if you please.”

The First Lieutenant placed the glass in the captain’s weathered hands.  He lifted the instrument to his right eye, closed his left, and searched the horizon.

A sweet voice floated above the waters to the ears of the sailors.  The song was light and airy and the men’s eyes grew wide with the sound.

“South-South West, Mr. Tremain.”  The captain barked.  He raised the glass again.  Through the gusts of fog, the figure of a woman appeared.  She sat on the rocks and stroked her auburn hair with her long fingers.  Her eyes turned toward the ship.

She beckoned them closer with a wave of her hand and the song swelled in crescendo.  The sailors flocked to the starboard side of the ship, their eyes wide and their mouths open.  Never before had his men beheld such an enchanting creature.

As the ship drew nearer, the woman’s features grew distinct.  Her perfect lips were blue and her arms were adorned with blue tattoos.  Gold bangles draped on her wrists and neck.  A gold brooch nestled in her hair.  She suddenly ceased her song.  The sailors leaned in.  Some blew kisses in the air while others smiled and waved.  The creature smiled back at them.  Her eyes were warm and inviting.  She leaned her head back, and shrieked at the noonday sun.

Eel-like tendrils burst out of the water and seized the ship.  The main mast snapped and toppled to the deck.  Wet ropes writhed in the air and landed in twisted coils on top of crippled men.  Sea water burst through giant punctures in the side of the ship and flooded the lower deck.  The captain reeled and stumbled.  He gripped the railing on the starboard side as the ship was lifted out of the water.  Sailors tumbled out and plunged into the dark water below.  The ship shook and the captain was flung towards the sea.  The shock of the water stung his body and he sunk, frozen, but his eyes flew open and he kicked towards the surface.  All at once, three creatures appeared and circled around him.  They were not women at all, but had tails like eels and pointed teeth.  They wrapped their fingers around his arms and swam down.  The captain’s heart beat fast.  The light grew dark.

            

Facing Reality

Have you ever dreamed about something for a really long time, and then, suddenly, you face the reality of your dream?  You are on the brink of your greatest nightmare or a Disney-esque fairy tale and you don't know if you want to find out which it is.  In the end you jump because you want to discover if your dream will really be as sweet as you hope, and you realize that to keep dreaming without fulfilling your dream would be to waste your time.  It would be better to have your heart broken because it wasn't all you wanted it to be than to keep standing on the edge waiting.  And maybe your dream will end up being all you hoped it would be.

Or, to quote Tangled:

Flynn Rider: [noticing the look on Rapunzel's face] You OK?

Rapunzel: [meekly whispers] I'm terrified.

Flynn Rider: [softly] Why?

Rapunzel: I've been looking out a window for eighteen years, dreaming about what it might feel like when those lights rise in the sky. What if it's not everything that I dreamed it would be?

Flynn Rider: [reassuringly] It will be.

Rapunzel: And what if it is? What do I do then?

Flynn Rider: Well that's the good part, I guess. You get to go find a new dream.

^Ugh, sap.

Be Calm?!

Cyrano: I will be there.  A rendezvous- from her- with me!

Le Bret: You see!  Now you are not so miserable, my friend.

Cyrano: Whatever comes, at least she knows I live.

Le Bret: And now let's hope you will be calm.

Cyrano: Be calm!  I am all frantic violence and fire!  I'd face an army- and I'd vanquish it!  I have ten hearts and twenty arms!  I'll fight with no more dwarfs!  I must have giants now! 

I'm Fine. Just miserable, Thank you for asking

I had a horrible day today.

What's worse is that there's a deeply rooted sadness that I can't shake off and it gets triggered by the littlest things.  So it's not like anything really serious happened.  But I came home today and I was venting in the car to my mom.

Me: "I just hate how I have to just think positive and dwell on the good things.  It's makes me so frusterated."

Mom: "Lizzy, you should just go in your room and cry.  You need to.  I want you to know that it's okay sometimes to just go to your room and cry and not try to be responsible about how you feel."

^Mom is so wise.  I mean this seriously.  I get so caught up in doing what's right and not doing what's wrong that I forget that sometimes there isn't a right or wrong.

Anyhow, the main point of this ridiculous ramble is to confess that when I despair that I will ever attract a man, I look up pictures of Tom Hiddleston.  And I smile.  Because he's charming.

I mean, he's so very British.  Not the silly "I love British Boys" British, but the gentleman, old fashioned, charming British.  He can sweep me off my feet with that little grin of his, and gladly too.  It's so unassuming and awesome.  And I respect that he tries to look at life from a deeper perspective.  So even though he's probably just as horrid a human being as everyone else, he warms my broken heart like a cup of properly prepared Earl Grey tea :)

And speaking of tea, you should watch this:

Where Common Kitties Play

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7T-55t4u7U8


"Which pet's address is the finest in Paris?
Which pets possess the longest pedigree?
Which pets get to sleep on velvet mats?
Naturellement, the Aristocats!

Which pets are blessed with the fairest forms and faces?
Which pets know best all the gentle social graces?
Which pets live on cream and loving pats?
Naturellement, the Aristocats!

They show aristcratic bearing when their seen upon an errand
And aristocratic flair in what they do and what they say.
Aristocats are never found in alleyways or hanging 'round the garbage cans where common kitties play..."

I just got a little grey tabby kitten.  I've had this song in my head ever since even though he's a "common kitty"  haha

Minnesota, Owl Hunting, and Cousin Talk

I just got back a family reunion in Minnesota.  It's one of the best things on this planet.

Just think: this reunion has gone on for four generations now (40+ years) and we still want to attend!  My cousin, Maggie, says she lives for this week of the year, that's how amazing it is.  It began with my grandmother and her eight other siblings at the tiny farmhouse.  Now, the original nine had children and then they had children and their children are having children.  We stay at three resorts in Perham, Minnesota and kill time tubing on the lake, walking to and fro, crossing the dam, playing Mafia in the Big Cabin, and raiding eachother's cabins to find any food other than pixisticks.  The families take turns filling the coolers that hang around the resorts with this sulfur-scented orange drink mix that really tastes terrible, but it's so nostalgic that we all drink it anyway.  The whole place feels like another home.

I can't remember when I started going to the Lakes, but I do remember the good old days when I spent my hours pretending to be cats with my cousins Sahara, Haley, Millie, and KayKay.  We had this one tree where we claimed rooms and pretended to feed our imaginary kittens the leaves.  We've outgrown the tree literally and figuratively now.  My cousins, Stacy and Mimi have joined our group now, so altogether we form a pretty big posse when it's just us girls.  We lived pretty divided from the boys' group, but this year we merged (a triumph, I dare say!).  I hung out a good deal with my cousin, Lucas, who is pretty quiet but hilarious and easy going.  I played Akinator with the Canadians and geeked out about kittens with Sahara.  We would all go out on the pontoon and jump into the lake.  The boys all did crazy stunts and looked hilarious as our cameras snapped pictures the whole time.

This year, many of my cousins were recently married and having babies.  My cousin, George, just married a charming pint-size wife of 20 named Anna.  She's young enough to still enjoy our company and yet she's old enough to be a sort of mentor.  Us girls decided to have a makeover party and everyone was doing someone's makeup when I worked up the courage to ask Anna what she thought of this guy that I am currently interested in.  I described him:
 "He says a bunch of really good things about his convictions, but I sometimes think he puts up with more from his friends than he should.  He doesn't make inappropriate jokes, but his friends do and sometimes he'll laugh.  He doesn't want to date anyone until he feels like she could be the One, but he lets the girls give him much more attention than I would put up with if I were a guy," I explained.
"Well, first off, I congratulate him," Anna began, "It's super hard for guys to go through something like that.  I know because my brothers sound just like the guy you're talking about.  The second thing I'd say is that I'd encourage him to get a mentor, someone to keep him accountable and to spur him on in the Lord."

This encouraged the others to consult Anna with their guy problems and we ended up having a really good conversation about it.  That as our first Cousin Talk of the year.  Then, I talked with my cousin, Evan, who was surprised by a visit from his girlfriend, May, whom we all knew was coming but played along to keep him aloof.  She stayed for two days and once she left, I overheard him talking to his parents about some disagreements he had with her.  I nonchalantly walked over and sat down.  When he had finished speaking, I  brought up that I had been interested in a guy for four years now and I wanted to know what he thought of it.
"Oh, well, let's go for a walk," Evan said.  Once I had described him again and explained some of my struggles with the whole thing, Evan began,
"Well, first off, I like this guy already.  It sounds like he has integrity.  You said you are in different social circles?  Well, me and May were, too.  I liked her for a really long time until I though to myself, 'I got to do something with these feelings.'  I started to text her and eventually we started talking more."
Evan explained how he and May had circled around a relationship, going back and forth for a really long time until they finally decided that they really did want to go further.
"I'd recommend trying to talk to him.  Learn a little about him, talk about everyday stuff.  Small talk.  You don't want to lead the relationship, but if he's a good guy he'll pick up that you like him.  Guys notice that sort of thing.  If you sense that he likes you, but he's afraid to mention it, then you can bring up how you feel.  Just be patient.  God's got your story."

The last talk we had was with my girls and Anna.  I broke down crying because of some struggles I've been dealing with lately with guilt and my mental disorder, OCD.  The girls were all shocked to see me, who they think of as the most spiritual of our group minus Anna, break down in tears all of a sudden.  I described how I felt to Anna, who immediately told me that praying is never wrong and I should read my Bible.  This conversation was the hardest for me because I don't know what parts of the way I feel are OCD related and which are just wisdom.  I haven't read my Bible consistently since the days when I thought I was going to Hell and if I didn't read it and repent and change my ways I would be condemned forever.  I would pray and repent all the time and I walked around with a guilt for the intrusive obsessive thoughts that I couldn't help, but I felt I had to fight all the same.  My relationship with God was strained at best.  My parents told me that my reading the Bible was not reaping any benefit because my mind twisted all the words into Legalism. So, in the Lakes, I broke down because I'm so weary of a relationship with God where I know what I ought to feel, but I don't feel it- what I ought to know, but don't.  I know I ought to believe that God is love and has forgiven me and that His discipline is sweet and not oppressive, but every day I still walk in condemntion and fear and guilt.  I'm angry because I get so confused and I wonder why God doesn't make things simpler because surely I'd be a better Christian if He did.

The conversation with Anna didn't help much, although her prayers did.  I didn't feel better, but I always appreciate when people pray for me because I know God listens to our prayers.  I had a pretty bad dream last night and a few nights back.  These vivid dreams frighten me because they are about relationships that go further than they should, but people tell me it's okay.  They violate God's law, but the people in my dreams swear it's okay and I awake feeling all jittery because I wonder if I am desiring these things and the people are really just giving a voice to my own heart's thoughts.  I wonder if I should even think about getting into a relationship because I am so unstable and possibly would go too far.  But I feel like maybe I would understand Him more if I did.  Am I making an idol of marriage and relationships and this particular boy?  To add to all of this, I wonder if I should be reading my Bible more.  I certainly don't feel very affectionate towards God, but when I imagine Him fully- when I dwell on His miracles and Heaven- I do.  I know I'm secured in Him, and yet I fear that maybe I'll be one of those who spring up but are squelched by the weeds.  Praying is difficult because I run out of words so quickly and I don't know how to pray for myself.  I just feel like I do not want to even try to better my relationship with Him because it feels so impossible because of all ^ this.  So, if you've managed to get this far into this blog, I need prayers and yours would be coveted.

Whoa, whoa, whoa- waaaaay off track. Back to the fun stuff.

At the end of the week, we had to say goodbye.  It's so hard to realize that the people before you are going to change and you won't be there to see it until it's already happened.  Fortunately, some of my cousins will visit us before the next reunion.  Anyhow, as we were on the road, I realized that I had to check the map.
"We're only a few miles from Owatonna!" I exclaimed.  "There my future husband waits for me!"
Lol Adam Young does indeed live in Owatonna, Minnesota, but he certainly does not await my presence.  Throughout the week I joked about how I should stop into Owatonna's grocery store and wait to see if Adam Young comes by.  The cousins laughed, some were concerned, and I just laughed.

Thus ends my amazing trip to Minnesota, Owl Hunting and Cousin Talks and all.  Hope ya'll endured the lengthiness and that if ya'll ever get married, that you have a family as awesome as mine.  Dasvidaniya!

Do You Need Something To Do? #TheCatReturns

So I hate hashtags, but I couldn't figure out how else to add a subtitle to my, well, title.

I had a friend over the other day.  Our time consisted mostly of Webkinz* and a walk, but amongst the hours we spent together, I was introduced the the most adorable anime movie.  It's called, "The Cat Returns."

Most anime movies are kinda creepy, but this one was so adorable!  It's not for everyone, the same way that Star Wars is not for everyone.  I say this with a great deal of difficulty; it's kind of like saying "I don't believe in fairies"- I believe in you Tinkerbell!!!!!

The story focuses on Haru, a high school girl who wonders if she belongs in her world.  When she rescues a cat-prince from an oncoming car, the Cat Kingdom kidnaps her in order to "reward" her for her deed.  Haru requires the help of the dapper Baron Humbert von Gikkingen to rescue her from an impossible marriage and finds herself along the way.

The movie involves cats, cats, and more cats.  I loved it because of all the little cat movements and personalities displayed in the movie.  It makes me want a kitten, but what doesn't?

So if you have time, I suggest watching "The Cat Returns".  Here is a link to the movie (legal because it's a Japanese website):
http://www.putlocker.com/file/FDB3EFCBD0A7F6B5#


*If you read this Blog, I make the assumption that you like me.  That leads me to deduce that you *may* BE like me.  So instead of defending my rekindled Webkinz addiction, I'm going to simply just tell you that if you go to www.webkinz.com, you can now get a free account.  Also, you no longer need to renew your account, so you can log onto your old account (assuming that you remember your password).  Knock yourself out.

Samwise the Brave

So we don't have a magical Ring of power weighing us down, or the haunting fear of approaching orcs, or nazgul neither living nor dead tracking us, or an erupting volcano; but, some days, everyone needs a friend like Sam:

"'Look here, Sam dear lad,' said Frodo: 'I am tired, weary, I haven't any hope left.  But I have to go on trying to get to the Mountain, as long as I can move.  The Ring is enough. This extra weight is killing me.  It must go. But don't think I'm ungrateful.  I hate to think of the foul work you must have had among the bodies to find it for me.'
'Don't talk about it, Mr. Frodo.  Bless you! I'd carry you on my back, if I could.  Let it go then!'
Frodo laid aside his cloak and took off the orc-mail and flung it away.  He shivered a little.  'What I really need is something warm,' he said.  'It's gone cold, or else I've caught a chill.'
'You can have my cloak, Mr. Frodo,' said Sam.  He unslung his pack and took out the elven-cloak...
'What did I tell you?  Something's happening!' cried Sam.  '"The war's not going well,"' said Shargrat; but Gorbag he wasn't so sure.  And he was right there too.  Things are looking up, Mr. Frodo.  Haven't you got some hope now?'
...He gave Frodo water and an additional wafer of waybread, and he made a pillow of his cloak for his master's head.  Frodo was too weary to debate the matter, and Sam did not tell him that he had drunk the last drop of water, and eaten Sam's share of the food as well as his own." ~The Return of the King, J.R.R.Tolkien

(This was a meaningful post until it got hilarious)

Wallflower

Here is a storyboard I just completed.  Since it's  a storyboard, the pictures are very simple :)  Enjoy!

Crazy Cat Lady

Sooooooooooooo.....

Well, I have a problem.

I'm gonna end up looking like this someday:

I spent a good portion of time today looking up kitten videos with my parents.  They lost interest, but I didn't.  Videos led to looking up kittens for sale on Craiglist and in my general area.  Which leads me to this conclusion: I have a complaint.

All of the advertisements on SPCA's are waaaaaay too overkill.  I mean, photo-shopping a cat behind jail bars?  Come on.

Unfortunately, I melt!  I'm like, "IT'S SO SAD!  IT NEEDS ME!  I WANT IT!"
Or
"OHMAGOODNESS!  IT'S SOOOOOO CUTE!"
"IT MEOWED!"
"IT WALKED!"
"IT  PURRED!"
"LOOK AT IT EAT!"
"IT'S WIDDLE PAWS!!!!"

Call me Crazy.

This Chapter is Called, "The One Claim I Shall Make," or "Pubescent Angst"

It was bound to happen.

What is the one thing you never want to read about in a girl's blog?


Boys.

And that's the topic of today's post, folks.

I hope this will be the only post I make centered on this topic, so please pardon me; I apologize for the stupid pubescent words that might spew onto this post and feel free to disregard them as the results of changing hormones and unbalanced chemicals.

With that said.

QUOTE:
“All the privilege I claim for my own sex (it is not a very enviable one: you need not covet it), is that of loving longest, when existence or when hope is gone!”- Jane Austen's Persuasion

Or, in simpler terms:

"I do not suppose that true constancy is known only by women, but the one claim I shall make for my own sex is that we love longest, when all hope is gone." Persuasion (the 2007 movie)

You might have guessed that there's this one boy.  He's very sweet and very funny.  There's something about him that communicates that he is a deep thinker and honors what is valuable. And, of course, there's his eyes.

I was sitting in the hall, when I saw a figure wearing white.  I did not recognize the person's form at first, but as I turned around to see who it was.  Bam.  Ocean blue of multiple hues.  Right there. I'm sure I blushed beat red.  His eyes have that affect.

I have liked* this boy for four years now.  I have liked other boys while I liked this boy, but only because this boy has never liked me back.  See, if he had liked me and I had known about it, those other boys would have been history.  As it is, some of those other boys are now my friends, so I can honestly say they are wonderful guys. But, I just don't like them.  I see them as the kind of people you can have a good time with and thoroughly enjoy their company.  I just don't see them as a potential spouse.  This boy has that quality.  I can't explain it any other way.

But, he doesn't like me.  That's okay, we operate in completely different social circles, so it's not like I expect him to like me or even to notice me.  He is popular and outgoing and funny, and I am scholastic and quirky and semi-reclusive.  But, come Prom time, I always hope for something.  I hope (not "expect" or "suspect") that he'd ask me to dance.  It's the yearly wanting that gets to be so hard.

"There's a strange hunger gnawing at my heart..."-Cyrano De Bergerac

I am lonely and sad.  I have an ache in my soul that longs for a return of affection.  I've thought about it, and I can't really imagine there being another person for me.

Pubescent angst, I suppose.

I could rant and rave about all of his marvelous qualities, but who really wants to hear about someone else's love interest?  My point, exactly.  So, I'll take my exit from this area of teenage life with these sappy-but-very-applicable words:

"I want you to love me, [she] whispers, unable to speak.
And [she] wonders aloud why feelings so strong make the body so weak.
Then [she] awoke. Now [she's] scared to death somebody heard.
If it was you, and you know [him], please don't say a word."




*Just to clarify, when I say I have "liked" anyone, I mean the kind of liking from afar.  I have never told anyone that I liked them, so I've never been in a relationship.  Just wanted ya'll to know :)

Flower Picking

"ONCE in a golden hour
I cast to earth a seed.
Up there came a flower,
The people said, a weed.

To and fro they went
Thro’ my garden-bower,
And muttering discontent
Cur’d me and my flower.

Then it grew so tall
It wore a crown of light,
But thieves from o’er the wall
Stole the seed by night.

Sow’d it far and wide
By every town and tower,
Till all the people cried,
“Splendid is the flower.”

 Read my little fable:
He that runs may read.
Most can raise the flowers now,
For all have got the seed.

And some are pretty enough,
And some are poor indeed;
And now again the people
Call it but a weed."

Flower picking always reminds me of my Mama and this poem.  We always used to pick weed-flowers together.  I love you, Mama!

"I'm Not Really Complaining..."

So, I feel bad when I look at my blog and compare it to (learning.steadfastness and In first person because ya'll seek to be above reproach and never complain, but I thought you'd appreciate the humor of this soul's complaint.




Expand the logarithmic expression as much as possible: ln{[x^7(x+3)^1/2]}(x=3)^4}
 Okay, so it becomes 7lnx=1/2ln(x^2=3)-4ln(x+3)


This is going to help me in life..... how?


lol

So

Lizards.

I hate them.

Reason Number One:
Lizards are not intelligent creatures.  They are, in fact, extremely stupid.
Proof:
I am attempting to clean the pool and I go to reach for the pool vacuum.  The lizard then proceeds to flee my presence by running directly into the pool screen over and over and over.  Evidence: affirmative.

Reason Number Two:
Lizards have no sense of personal space.
Proof:
I am letting my cat outside via the front door.  I am clearly inside and in no way out of the door.  Splat.  Lizard on my foot.  Evidence: affirmative.

Reason Number Three:
Lizards are repulsive.
Proof:
I am walking out the door and I see a lizard's tail detached from its body, still wiggling.  I am repulsed.  Evidence: affirmative.

Thus, I cannot abide the presence of lizards.

Blind, Dead, and SHABANG! Found.

I once was lost.
dead.
I was old enough to remember the sin in which I lived.  The deadness.  The lies.  The fruitlessness.  SO much even my closest friends do not know about.

I've been struggling because I am not that way anymore.  Now, I am considered a person of strong character and dignity.  I would be confused because people would tell me, "You're not that bad!"  And I would think, "You don't know where I've been!"

But lately, the two sides of me have made sense.  The side that says, " I am not that person anymore!  I'm a good person!" and the side that says, "I'm the scum of the Earth- a sinner!  I'm the person people mention in hushed voices!" have finally collided.  I AM a sinner- found in Your presence!  I am no longer caught up in the evil desires of my heart because I am found!  I once was lost, but I am found.  Was blind, but now I see!

It's such a simple truth.  One that makes up the Core of Christianity.  But it's finally making sense.  I am free to be the person I am know as- respected, considered full of integrity- because Christ has given me a new identity.  He has made me new, delivered me from this body of death.  This seed of Truth is still developing in my heart.  Not every day does it seem to be in bloom, but it has been planted.  And that is good news.

My prayer squad- I'd appreciate your prayers that God would continue to increase my natural response to Him.  You're awesome ;)

Amen.  Hallelujah.

Like Dull Narcotics, Numbing Pain

"I sometimes hold it half a sin

         To put in words the grief I feel;

         For words, like Nature, half reveal

And half conceal the Soul within.

But, for the unquiet heart and brain,

         A use in   measured language lies;

         The sad mechanic exercise,

Like dull narcotics, numbing pain.

In words, like weeds, I'll wrap me o'er,

         Like coarsest clothes against the cold;

         But that large grief which these enfold

Is given in outline and no more."

If You Read This...

Do you ever feel like you're a pathetic excuse for a Christian?  'Cause I do.  And I'm probably right, at least today.

No hold on, you'll say. Romans 8.  Well yes, that is true.  There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.  The thing is, today I am really dealing with a whole lot of ME-ing.  Do you ever get that way?  There's so much ME and so little <God> that I feel completely squashed.  I am squashed by ME.  And I know (I think) that if I just let go and believe wholeheartedly that God's-way-is-better/ He-is-always-with-me/ I-will-get-the-victory/ This-is-worth-persevering-for, then I'll be able to grow up.  I am just afraid.  Afraid and lazy.  I start out so resolved and literally  three. seconds. later... I lack endurance.

For our 8th Grade graduation, I was awarded the "title" of Perseverance because my math teacher thought it applied to my experience with math.  I really didn't like it then because I felt like it sounded as if I was a bad student or something like that, like it was SO hard for me to persevere through math.  (streak of Pride, perhaps?)  But hey, I got an "A," so it's only a ting of pride, right?  But back to the point.  In the next following years I have often wondered if she didn't get that wrong.  I don't persevere, at least I don't think I do.

So I'm blogging today to ask help from you guys.  My three followers (Yep, YOU!) please pray for me.  I have been on this roller coaster for a long time now.  I really want to get off.  I know if I were to completely fall off the grid of Christianity, God would still have me, but I really don't want to do that.  Nor do I want to embark on this journey feeling this way.  I really just want God to come bursting through the sky and make me feel a certain way or believe a particular thought or SOMETHING.  Please pray for:

-clarity of God's will
-discernment to know what's me freaking out about something that's completely fine and what really is a spiritual malfunction
-the balance between knowing how I feel and accepting unbelief
-the endurance and courage to follow through
-GRACE to understand how much I do through the Spirit and how much the Holy Spirit takes over

Like Gungor says, "It's good to think, but it's good to drink from this Living Stream."  I want to be able to release myself FROM myself to be able to drink.

Ecclesiastes 3

The Bible never once says "figure it out". But over and over it says, "trust God". He's already got it all figured out.

For One and Twenty...

"When I was one-and-twenty
I heard a wise man say,
'Give crowns and pounds and guineas
But not your heart away;
Give pearls away and rubies
But keep your fancy free.'
But I was one-and-twenty,
No use to talk to me.
When I was one-and-twenty
I heard him say again,
'The heart out of the bosom
Was never given in vain;
'Tis paid with sighs a plenty
And sold for endless rue.'
And I am two-and-twenty,
And oh, 'tis true, 'tis true."

Happy-Sad

"There once was a very lonely, very frightened girl.  She lived alone except for a nameless cat."

Slumps

Not the true me; the true me is so blessed.

Blessed with a family I am proud to call me own.  Blessed with air-conditioning.  Blessed with good times with friends.  Blessed with a trip to my dream college.  Blessed with a laptop.  Blessed with an ipod.  Blessed with knowing a God who is all goodness.

And yet, I still feel, sometimes, like I am hostile to that God of goodness.  I don't know why.  I thought I was getting over that.  I thought I was learning and growing away from that old me.  But whenever I hear of suffering, that God of goodness seems to stretch me and I grow afraid.  I know my emotions just lie to me.  But not matter how hard you try to tell them about God's omnipotence and omniscience,  emotions don't listen to logic.  I can make decisions independent of my emotions, but I can't just turn on my happiness or feel-good side.  I can still feel bad, but I don't have to live like I feel bad.

So, to help you guys understand the chaos, here are few quotes/lyrics:

"You'll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump and chances are that you'll be in a Slump.  And when you're in a Slump, you're not in for much fun.  UnSlumping yourself is not easily done." ~Dr, Suess, Oh, The Places You'll Go

"My eyes are dry
My faith is old
My heart is hard
My prayers are cold
And I know how I ought to be
Alive to You and dead to me
But what can be done
For an old heart like mine?
Soften it up
With oil and wine.
The oil is You, Your Spirit of love
Please wash me anew
With the wine of Your Blood" ~Keith Green, My Eyes Are Dry

“The life where nothing was ever unexpected. Or inconvenient. Or unusual. The life without colour, pain or past.” ~Lois Lowry, The Giver

“The story is not a pretty one. There is violence in it. And cruelty. But stories that are not pretty have a certain value, too, I suppose. Everything, as you well know (having lived in this world long enough to have figured out a thing or two for yourself), cannot always be sweetness and light.” ~Kate DiCamillo, The Tale of Despereaux

Me Today

"The cut is deep, but never deep enough for me
It doesn't hurt enough to make me forget
One moment of relief is never long enough
To keep the voices in my head
From stealing my peace

Oh, control
It's time, time to let you go

Perfection has a price
But I cannot afford to live that life
It always ends the same; a fight I never win

Oh, control
It's time, time to let you go

I'm letting go of the illusion
I'm letting go of the confusion
I can't carry it another step
I close my eyes and take a breath
I'm letting go, letting go

There were scars before my scars
Love written on the hands that hung the stars
Hope living in the blood that was spilled for me

Oh, control
It's time, time to let you go... 
Control
It's time, time to let you go"

Ears

I got my cartilage re-pierced a few days ago.  Last time, my ear reacted really weird to the piercing and never healed, even after 6 moths (it's only supposed to take about 3.5 months to heal).  Once my ear started to show signs of deformation, I removed the earring and my ear closed up in three days.

When I got it re-pierced, I was nervous, as my ear was much redder and hotter than it had been the last time.  I worried it was infected already and that I would have to take it out.  So, I prayed about it.

God hears the big and little things.  "Frankly God," I said to him, "I don't deserve anything.  But you graciously give me the desires of my heart. So please, heal my ear and let this piercing last.  Thank you."


I don't deserve anything, so I can ask for everything.


How incredible.