Beautiful Things :)

I've been trying to work on this for a while.  But I haven't gotten very far.  So I'm afraid this will have to do for now:

I love books.  I love color.  I love love.  I love joy.  And it warms my heart to think of these things, so I hope they encourage you as well.  Enjoy!

The Tale of Despereaux

"Despereaux stared at her in wonder.  The Pea, he decided, looked just like the picture of the fair maiden in the book in the library.  The princess smiled at Despereaux again, and this time, Despereaux smiled back.  And then, something incredible happened: The mouse fell in love."

"Forgiveness, reader, is, I think, something very much like hope and love, a powerful, wonderful thing.  And a ridiculous thing, too."

"'Shhh.  Is the princess beautiful?'
'The Princess Pea?'
'Yes.'
'She is lovelier beyond all imagining!'"

"But he turned before he entered [the door].  He turned and shouted to the princess.  'My name is Despereaux!'
'Despereaux?' she said.
'I honor you!' shouted Despereaux.
'I honor you' was what the knight said to the fair maiden in the story that Despereaux read every day in the book in the library.  Despereaux had muttered the phrase often to himself, but he had never before this evening had occasion to use it when speaking to someone else."

"Despereaux sighed.  He reached out and touched the words fair maiden in the book.  He traced them with his paw.  And then he put his paw to his mouth.
"Cripes." said Furlough.  "You're making a fool of yourself.  Let's go."
"I honor you,' whispered Despereaux.  "I honor you."

"The song, sir.  He was singing about the deep purple falling over sleepy garden walls."

"Despereaux marveled at his own bravery.  He admired his own defiance.  And then reader, he fainted."

Cyrano De Bergerac

"I have ten hearts!  I have a hundred arms!  I feel too strong for mere mortals, Bring Me Giants!!!"

"...I have been robbed, there are no hundred here."

Roxanne- "But even the common flower has charm."
Cyrano- "But not tonight.  Tonight I want the star!"

Tennyson

"He rose at dawn and, fired with hope,

Shot o'er the seething harbor-bar,

And reach'd the ship and caught the rope,

And whistled to the morning star." -The Sailor Boy

'Sink me the ship, Master Gunner--sink her, split her in twain!

Fall into the hands of God, not into the hands of Spain!' -The Revenge

"It was the time when lilies blow,
And Clouds are highest up in the air-
Lord Ronald brought a lilly-white doe
To give his cousin, Lady Clare...
'He does not love me for my birth,

Nor for my lands so broad and fair,

He loves me for my own true worth,

and that is well', said Lady Clare." -Lady Clare

"Willows whiten, aspens quiver,
Little breezes dusk and shiver." -The Lady of Shallot

Master and Commander

This is like, my favorite movie.  Strange because I'm pretty girly.  But it's a really good movie! lol

Doctor-"By comparison the Surprise is a somewhat aged Man-o-War. (silence) Am I not correct?"

Captain- "Would you call me an aged Man-o-War, Doctor?  The Surprise is not old; no one would call her old.  She has a bluff bow, lovely lines.  She's a fine seabird: weatherly, stiff, and fast.  Very fast if she's well handled.  No, she's not old...she's in her prime."

Captain: "Posh.  Name a shrub after me: something prickly and hard to eradicate."

Doctor- "I'm sorry, Jack. I'm doing everything I can. I know you were close to his father."
Captain- "His father would've understood. He knew the life. His mother, however..."

Good Movie :}

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xkDELa8YSqY&feature=share

Star at 3:52

:} 

Jesus, I'm Afraid

So I've been trying to learn that it is by grace I am saved.  That is something really, really, really hard for me to get.  It's just hard for me to realize nothing I do can make me go to Heaven.  It's only by faith in Jesus Christ, who died for my sins and keeps my sinful self buried never to rise again.  It hurts, and it makes me scared to realize this.  It makes me panic, searching for something to hang on to.  Some of you may not struggle with this.  Sometimes I find my self-righteous work-my-way side funny.  I don't always realize how severe it is to look at God's propitiation for sin and say "it wasn't enough".  That's severe.  It's not a lighthearted problem.

So, I am saved.  God has told me so many times through his promises that I am saved.

I just have to remember that it is by grace.

I love the song "I Cannot" by Donna Stuart.  It really grabs my attention, but it doesn't hurt.  It's comforting.  It doesn't scare me.

I have been struggling with depression alot lately.  Mostly because my very salvation depended on what I was doing, even if that was relying on grace.  But this is NOT from God and WILL NOT be from God.  It's so hard when your every decision seems important.  That's just Legalism trying to eat me up.

I've been afraid lately, too.  I think part of it is I'm afraid of myself, the evil me that thinks things so horrible.  I have to remind myself that everyone thinks these thoughts.  God is leading me out of the worst ones and the others are just part of the sinful nature and can be beaten.

I also feel lonely.  Ya, typical right?  Every female feels that way.  I have no idea who this someone is.  Honestly, if I met him now that'd be the worst case scenario.  I'm still so selfish, so unpredictable, and I don't really know who I am yet  ( ^ see above).  I'd turn into one of those clingy women who look to him as their savior.   But it doesn't help when you're still so young and you feel everything all the same.

"Oh My Dear, I'll wait for you.  Grace tonight will pull us through until the tears have left your eyes, until the fears can sleep at night, until the demons that you're scared of disappear inside, until the scale begins to crack and the weight falls from your back.  Oh My Dear, I'll keep you in my arms tonight"

You Say "Let it Go"...

Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in his wonderful face
And the things of the earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of his glory and grace


O soul are you weary and troubled?
No light in the darkness you see?
There's a light for a look at the Savior
And life more abundant and free


His word shall not fail you, He promised
Believe Him, and all will be well
Then go to a world that is dying
His perfect Salvation to tell


O soul are you weary and troubled?
No light in the darkness you see?
There's light for a look at the Savior
And life more abundant and free


...trying to remember this today

Courage

Hey God, me again.

Thanks that you don't see me as nothing, or hopeless, or a lost cause.  Thank you that I am your child and I always will be, no matter how hard I try to forget that sometimes.  I'm glad you can't let me go.

Thank you for your steadfast never ending love.  It is amazing and refreshing.  Give me the grace I am needing right now.

Help me Lord when I am afraid and I doubt and I don't want to dig deep to solve the problems.  Help me with that.  Give me courage and strength to persevere.  Help me to fight a good fight against my sin.  Help me to hate it as you hate it.

Help me be humble.  I fear the pain that it takes to be humbled.

Keep me abiding that I might bear fruit.

Give me clear visions of my life as you see it, the sin, the good work You are going, the work You would have me do, all of it.  Please show me what to do.  Be with me as I soul search.  Please help me when the pain seems to incredible to bear.

Be near me Lord Jesus, I ask thee to stay close by me forever and love me I pray.  I pray your glory shine in this doubting heart of mine and all would know that You are my strength.  You are my strength.  You and You alone keep bringing me back home.  Please don't let me go, I desperately need You.


"He has told you, O man, what is good;
   and what does the LORD require of you
but to do justice, and to love kindness,   ^{and to walk humbly with your God?...}
Who is a God like you, 
   who pardons sin and forgives the transgression 
   of the remnant of his inheritance? 
You do not stay angry forever 
   but delight to show mercy. 
You will again have compassion on us; 
   you will tread our sins underfoot 
   and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea. 
You will be faithful to Jacob, 
   and show love to Abraham, 
as you pledged on oath to our ancestors 
   in days long ago."


"It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed."

Flying and Lying Down

"it's good to think
but it's good to drink
from this living stream
so why

Why don't you fly
free your mind
to all this splendor
why don't you fly
to the Arms
that save

You can come
while your heart feels numb
you could just lie down
and rest"

"Filled, Flooded, Blinded Again With the Light"

My sister and I have been rereading my favorite book.  I am not a big rereader (to my shame!) but this book has been my favorite since something like third grade and it never gets old.  Alot of things have been happening in my life and through these incidents and this go round of rereading I'm coming into a greater understanding of God.

This book is called  The Tale of Despereaux.  Though I think everyone should read this book, this post is not entirely for that purpose, as some of you might think.  "This story begins within the walls of a castle, with the birth of a mouse."  Despereaux, the mouse, is noble and honorable, in love with all things lovely, such as stained glass, knights in shining armor, chivalry, and the Princess Pea.  The first few chapters are full of all such wonderful things.  These chapters remind you of all that is good and green in this world.

After the initial section about Despereaux, Kate DiCamillo writes about a rat.  She writes about the darkness of the dungeon, how ugly and evil it is.  "It was quiet in an ominous way; it was quiet in the way of small frightening sounds...And then, too, there was the noise of the rats going about their buisness, their sharp tails hitting the stones of the dungeon and their long tails dragging behind them, through the blood and muck."
The rat, called Roscuro, was a typical rat.  Dark and evil like his kind.  A "black-souled rat".  But one day, his soul was awakened by the light.


""...for it happened that when Roscuro was a very young rat, he came upon a great length of rope on the dungeon floor.
'Ah, what have we here?' said Roscuro.
Being a rat, he immediately began nibbling on the rope.
'Stop that,' boomed a voice, and a great hand came out of the darkness and picked the rat up by his tail and held him suspened upside down.
'Were you nibbling on Gregory's rope, rat?'
...And keeping Roscuro upside down, Gregory lit a match with the nail of his thumb, ssssstttttt, and then held the brilliant flame right in Roscuro's face.
'Ahhh,' said Roscuro.  He pulled his head back, away from the light.  But, alas, he did not close his eyes, and the flame exploded around him and danced inside of him.
...Roscuro sat on the dungeon floor...His heart was beating hard, and though the light had dissappeared, it danced, still, before the rat's eyes, even when he closed them.
'Light,' he said aloud.  And then he whispered the word again.  'Light.'"
"From that moment forward, Roscuro showed an abnormal, inordinate interest in illumination of all sorts.  He was always, in the darkness of the dungeon, on the lookout for the smallest glimmer, the tiniest shimmer.  His rat soul longed inexplicably for it; he began to think that light was the only thing that gave life meaning, and he despaired that there was so little of it to be had."

In the story, Roscuro tells another rat about how "the meaning of life is light".  The rat persuades him that light is not the answer, but watching the suffering of others is the answer.  Later a prisoner is thrown into the dungeon.  The light from the castle illuminates the dungeon for a few split seconds.  A bloodred tablecloth is thrown down into the dungeon from above and floats in front of the light for a few seconds.

"He closed his eyes.  He saw, again, the red cloth spinning against the backdrop of gold.
And he told himself, reader, that it was the cloth that he desired and not the light."

How many times do we do that?  I do it often, not so blatantly sometimes, but in reading that phrase I feel such a pain in my heart for Roscuro.  It's so sad to choose lesser things.

"What a disappointment it was!  Looking at it, Roscuro knew that Botticelli was wrong.  What Roscuro wanted, what he needed, was not the cloth, but the light that had shone behind it.
He wanted to be filled, flooded, blinded again with the light."

Filled, flooded, blinded again with the light.  The light.  The Light.

Then Jesus spoke again to them, saying, "I am the light of the world; he who follows me will not walk in the darkness, but will have the light of life." ~John 8:12

"Give me one pure and holy passion
Give me on magnificent obsession
Give me one glorious ambition for my life
To know and follow hard after You

To know and follow hard after you
To grow as your disciple in your truth
This world is empty, pale, and poor
Compared to knowing you, my Lord
Lead me on and I will run after you
Lead me on and I will run after you" ~One Pure And Holy Passion by Passion

“All men seek happiness. This is without exception. Whatever different means they employ, they all tend to this end. The cause of some going to war, and of others avoiding it, is the same desire in both, attended with different views. The will never takes the least step but to this object. This is the motive of every action of every man, even of those who hang themselves.”
― Blaise Pascal

I am not perfect and I often stoop for the red tablecloth instead of the Light.  But I'm realizing that the purpose and the fulfillment of my soul is found in the Light.  I don't want to live my life half-filled.  I am told I am "a feeler" and I have to agree.  I thrive on strong emotions.  Reading about Roscuro and the Light reminds me how much I want to be filled, flooded, blinded again with the light.  I can't describe the feeling as well as Kate DiCamillo, but like Roscuro, my rat-soul longs inexplicably for light.

I Cannot

I could not see, And I could not breathe
Until I was freed, Until I was redeemed
So I cannot boast cause I did not know
Until I was shown, Until I was reborn

Father remind me please how this all goes

I cannot earn Your smile
I cannot work my way
Into the Love of Christ
Into amazing grace
You gave me the gift of life
You gave me the gift of faith
Let me receive this God
and rest in Your ways

So I will not strive. And I will not hide.
In You I’m alive. In You I’ll abide.
I want to believe. I want to receive
the way you see me, Righteous and clean

Father remind me please how this all goes

I cannot earn Your smile
I cannot work my way
Into the Love of Christ
Into amazing grace
You gave me the gift of life
You gave me the gift of faith
Let me receive this God
and rest in Your ways

Not a thing I add, not a thing I bring
can enhance Your love, change Your thoughts of me
So in hope I’ll trust, to the cross I’ll cling to You
Every drop of blood spilled at Calvary was so I could live
was so I could sing so I give my life, lay down everything to You

I cannot earn Your smile
I cannot work my way
Into the Love of Christ
Into amazing grace
You gave me the gift of life
You gave me the gift of faith
Let me receive this God
and rest in Your ways

Чтобы моя Россия Аудитория ...

Здравствуйте. Я не знаю, если вы все еще смотрите на этой странице или нет, но я заметил, что я был кто-то из России, глядя на мой блог. Я на самом деле изучения русского языкакак мои языковые курсы в старшей школе, так что я подумал, что это было довольно здорово, что вы были бы за мной. Я не много знаю русский язык (я использую программы перевода, чтобы написать это), но, надеюсь, когда-нибудь я станусвободно. В любом случае, я просто хотел сказать привет, если вы все еще за мной!


*Hello.  I don't know if you still look at this page or not, but I noticed I had someone from Russia looking at my blog.  I am actually learning Russian as my language course in highschool, so I thought that it was pretty cool that you would be following me.  I don't know much Russian (I am using a translation program to write this) but hopefully someday I will become fluent.  Either way, I just wanted to say hello if you were still following me!*

As of November Fifth...

I just attempted to spend some time getting myself into shape by finishing a spiritual book.  I was going to finish the book, and then listen to a song and then read Isaiah.  But I just got so angry at God I didn't want to anymore.

I hate these things about myself.  And I hate that I have to change.  My initial reaction to the word "repentance" is to stop and turn to a stone wall because I've been repenting so much now, I hate myself.

What hurts is that no matter what, I am still going to have to go through hard things.  Hard:

1.  not soft; solid and firm to the touch; unyielding to pressure and impenetrable or almost impenetrable.

2. firmly formed; tight: a hard knot.

3. difficult to do or accomplish; fatiguing; troublesome: a hard task.

4. difficult or troublesome with respect to an action, situation,person, etc.: hard to please; a hard time.

5. difficult to deal with, manage, control, overcome, or understand: a hard problem.

adverb

          with great exertion; with vigor or violence; strenuously: to work hard; to try hard.

"When it came down to it there was scarcely a word, or a feeling or a thought or a decision of mine that I felt God really liked."-Adopted, Ben Stuart

I feel like every decision I make is wrong.  When I do say yes to people, I make the wrong choice and when I say no, I make the wrong choice.

So if God really loves me, why is everything so hard?  When will it end?  After I die isn't comforting enough.  Why, if He loves me, does he allow people to feel abandoned by him?  Why?

I know God loves me.  I know I put more pressure on myself than God ever would.  I know this all will pass soon, but right now I feel so defeated.  I just feel done.  I'm glad that God works through broken, hurt, and angry people.  I know he is working on me and that I will come to a place of victory.  I just don't know what to do until then.

I hope this doesn't discourage you, I just needed to get this out of my system.  I honestly feel better already so please, please don't get discouraged.

Wild Horses

*This is a cool dream I had a few days ago.  It's short and sweet, but it was pretty fun :)

It was like I was at this summer camp.  It was a pretty small facility...surrounded by a dense forest of trees.  At one point the trees narrowed in and the land formed a figure 8, with a brook running through the second circle. It was sort of rocky.  The terrain was grassy, sort of like a mountain overgrown with grass.  I had just arrived and I wasn't really hanging out with anyone.  I randomly decided to go to the stables, which were small gated boxes with an open roof.  I found a huge black stallion and just jumped on with no problem.  I rode bareback with just the mane to guide the horse.  It flew around the camp, jumping over the brook.  I was slightly upset the area wasn't larger so I could have more room to ride.  I leaned in close to the horse and showed skillful horsemanship.  It was awesome.


*Funny though, I have ridden a horse before but only once without someone leading me.  I was so hardcore in the dream, but in reality I can't do any of those things!  haha

TITLE: "We're All Mad Here" OR "The Doctor's Orders"

"I am not my own for I have been made new.  Please don't let me go, I desperately need you." ~Meteor Shower, Owl City

Why am I like this?  The things I hate, I love and the things I love, I don't love enough.

I'm cheating.

That is really my self pity speakin' out of me.  All I really need to do it realize that on every page of the Bible is written the following phrase:
"YOU ARE FORGIVEN, YOU DUMBO!"

Aside from this confrontation I have been avoiding, I have been taking my flimsy emotions and locking them away.  I guess I should confront them and face why I feel this way.  I have my own conjectures but the Doctor knows the anecdote...

~~~~~~~~~>{I have this class which is really hard for me for various reasons...I just don't know what to do.  I've always been a rule follower, so much so people see me that way. I just feel so confused.  The Bible doesn't write out a prescription for stuff like this.  I just feel tired.  I don't want to face all of this.... WARNING: SELF PITY APPROACHING}<~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Whoosh!!!!

So alot is going on for me spiritually, but right now I just feel like having some comic relief.

So...

Today I ran some errands with my mama.  We did the usual grocery shopping and popped into a thrift store.  Next on our list was a craft store.  Right next to this craft store is a pet shop which will sometimes have cats and kittens there.  I popped into said store while my mom ran the errand.

Normally, I look at several felines, find my favorite, and discover its personality.  I will then proceed to name the kitty as a hobby.

I was immediately excited because there were several kittens in the mix.  Two of them were black and then one kitten in a separate cage was grey and white.  I attempted to establish contact with the black kittens, but they weren't really interested.  So I went to the grey kitten.

I am the proud owner of two cats, Cuddles, a grey/black/brown Tabby of 10+, and Miss Jane, a precious little grey thing of about 5.  I was naturally attracted to the grey kitten because it reminded me of my Jane.

But I wasn't exactly in love with it.  I appreciated it and thought it was precious, but it wasn't how I usually react.

So my mom comes inside to collect me and sees me with the grey kitten.  She fell in love with it right there.  I mean, usually she humors my love for cats but today she just melted at the sight of this little kitten.  It was so strangely unexpected.

No, we do not own three cats now, but "a little yeast works through the dough", right?  haha

I am my own worst enemy.  That's basically all I have to say.

My Long Red Cape...

Ante note: I don't feel this way all the time.  So whatever I say, unless stated otherwise, I only feel this way some of the time.

"It hurts just to wake up whenever you're wearing thin.  Alone on the outside, so tired of looking in.  The end is uncertain and I've never been so afraid, but I don't need a telescope to see that there's hope and that makes me feel brave." -Tidal Wave, Owl City

I was recently given two books by people who care about me.  The first book is Surrender to Love by David Benner and the second is It Came From Within by Andy Stanley.  I already knew that Surrender to Love would be hard because just the word "surrender" sounded fishy, but I didn't realize how much of a problem I'd have with it.  I mean, It Came From Within talks about the issues of the heart...you'd think that'd be more difficult right?  Well, turns out it's still pretty difficult, but in the beginning I told my mom that it wasn't that hard for me to read it.  She pointed out that it wasn't as hard for me because it was something I could work on.  I could fix myself, so to speak, whereas Surrender to Love is simply that - surrender. to. Love.  But the book really explains why I act the way I do.  At one point, Benner talks about how people who've been hurt or have hurt others before make limitations for themselves so it WON'T happen again.

That is so me.

I limit myself on everything because every time I let myself do it, I blow it or at least have a mental battle.  It is weird for me to dress beautifully because I'm afraid it's going to make me feel flirty and act on it.  And that's just one thing in a sea of limitations.

I'm so lost sometimes.


"What do I love?
What do I hate?
What will I lose?
What will I gain?
How do I save my soul?
What if I bend?
What if I break?
What will it cost?
What will it take?
For you to save my soul?"


~Let It Go, By Tenth Avenue North


But then again, about four days ago I was feeling freeish.  Like God loved me and that's all that mattered.  It felt great.  But  in my daily life I have to make decisions about what I'm going to do and it ruins everything...how do I dress?  What do I watch?  You can't watch that...it makes you feel _____.  You can't just ignore this because that's like those people who just say they're Christians but don't really walk in it.  Take up your cross...if anyone looks back they are not worthy of me...you're just saying that because you want attention.

I've also learned that I starve for attention, have a problem with vulnerability, and am extremely afraid,  all of which I never thought I had a problem with.  I always hear about those people who have problems being vulnerable, but I guess because I'm so emotional it didn't occur that I was not exempt.  As I walk through the halls of my school, my pride and insecurity cause me to be tense and cold.  I am so obsessed with NOT looking like a fool...that I look like nasty.  And then I didn't realize how much praise means to me.  I want people to tell me good job and that I'm fantastic at such and such.  I'm sure everyone does.  But lately it feels like everything I do I'm searching for affirmation.  I have a great family and awesome people always telling me I'm brilliant at things...so why am I so obsessed with this?  [conflicted feelings here: pride and affirmation?  What are my motives?]  And then I'm so afraid of giving things up to God.  I am afraid He is going to take away things I love... not like my family or anything, but my comforts.  And in a sense, I know He will.

So where am I?  Am I completely lost and a mess and needing to give up these things to Him?  Or am I completely safe and it doesn't matter if I do it or not?

On the other hand, I have seen God's hand in my life recently.  He blessed me with a random massage (my shoulders/neck are so tight) from someone who didn't even know I was wanting one, and a friend gave me a word from God.  And I worried that I won't get up tomorrow.  I've felt that way for a loooooong time, but because every morning What-do-ya-know?  I get up, I don't fear that so much.

“The Christian does not think God will love us because we are good, but that God will make us good because He loves us.”
― C.S. Lewis


I think I should get this tatooed on my forehead.






Post note:  After writing this, I feel ever so much better.  Overall message: lEt iT gO.




good "Let It Go" songs are as follows:


Red Cape by Priscilla Ahn


Alaska by Sky Sailing


Let It Go by Tenth Avenue North


Little Wonders by Rob Thomas